Some dimwit employees of yours are under the misapprehension HR (human resources) is there to protect and support them. It is not. It is there to protect YOU, oh glorious employer overlord.
If your business can afford an HR department it’s good business practice to run the, aforementioned, department like a dictatorship. Employment law is a tricky old thing and the last thing you want is employees turning up to complain as John from sales commented on his colleague’s butt.
Such trivial annoyances (including other malingering nuisances such as staff requesting pay rises or time off for compassionate leave) are annoyances. Explore this guide to comprehend how to do away with it all.
Human Resources: It’s the Same For Everyone
The Human Resources (HR) Act 1974 is the legislation that manages HR stuff and things at the workplace. The Act is the most complex in all of employment law, consisting of 337,001 pages and millions of words.
Whenever consultation of the Act must commence, an entire week of planning must begin in order to find the correct passage in the often impenetrable tome of law and order.
On page 234,235 of the Act in section 451 F it states:
“The role of human resources is to ensure your employees can complain to you, the employer, which in 99% of cases you can then ignore.”
Sadly, most employees don’t realise this and will turn up regularly to HR to whine about:
- Other colleagues
- Canteen food
- Rat infestations
- Higher management
- Lack of salary reviews
- Lack of remote working
- A creaky and uncomfortable seat
- That strange smell emanating from the male toilets
Sadly, again, employees are too dumb to understand that’s none of their business and they should just shut the hell up and do their jobs. As such, you should vaguely indicate in your company handbook the dos and don’t of turning up to HR in a mood.
This is all with the subtext of ensuring staff don’t ask for pay rises.
Ungrateful swines! That’s why you spent £100 on that ping-pong table to distract employees from the relentless cost of living and housing crises. Since that isn’t working (for some unknowable reason), this is where your HR policy will put those bastards in their myriad places.
The Dos and Don’t of Human Resource Requests
There are three continuous, core, ongoing complaints to HR departments across the civilised working world. These are:
- There’s a foul-smelling colleague
- Some male colleague has done something sexist
- Pay rise requests
All three are an act of anarchy and must be quelled ASAP. You can do this as follows:
- Indicate in your HR policy that complaints are annoying and shouldn’t happen
If employees keep turning up to HR all the same, then you can take the following course of action:
- Set off your sprinkler system so that foul-smelling employee stops stinking so bad
- Give the sexist male employee a casual warning to cut that crap out
- This is ALWAYS guaranteed to work (always)
- No pay rises—refer to the ping-pong table
You need to make it 101% clear that your human resources isn’t there to act as some sort of kindly grandmother for your staff to come and have a bit of a whinge to.
Instead, make it clear your HR team is more like a bitter, angry grandmother who hates their guts and wants to see the younger generations suffer. With this knowledge instilled in your workforce, you can rest assured you’ll receive fewer complaints about Jeff from account’s rancid smelling feet.
The Fake Smiles and False Assurances of HR
It’s essential your HR team learn to grin inanely during the working day. These insane smiles of borderline lunacy carry with them a potent message—welcome to HR (but not really mwahahhahahaha!).
Success is built on bullshit. It’s important you master the art of talking utter nonsense in order to meander your way to the money you’ll keep for yourself (rather than sharing fairly amongst employees). HR is the grinning world of grins. Grin. Think of it like this: 🙂.
Not at all friendly. Just passive aggressive and, in so doing that, you’re letting your staff members know they’re NOT welcome to complain about Jeff’s SMELLY FEET.
As that’s what, ultimately, human resources is all about.
Ensuring smelly feet aren’t a hindrance to the 1% and their desire to buy a $40 million superyacht. If we can all work towards that goal to ensure it’s possible, we can rest easy knowing laziness has been… deFEETed. 👣
