Bored of waiting up to 30 minutes for food to be delivered to your doorstep?! Of course you are, you entitled and impatient prick! NOW IS THE TIME FOR FASTER DELIVERIES! Order TODAY with JOHN’S CANNONBALL FOOD DELIVERIES for the fasted, loudest, most destructive arrival of unhealthy foodstuffs you have ever seen!

Order, BOOM, Food Delivery: All in a Day’s Explosive Work

Hey there. John’s the name! Delivering foodstuffs by cannonball’s the game! How it works is EASY. It goes like THIS:

1. Order your food from your eatery of choice
2. Download the CANNONBALL FOOD DELIVERIES app
3. Request from your eatery of choice to deliver the food to JOHN’S CANNONBALL FOOD DELIVERIES
4. The eatery, if they oblige (and it’s a big if!) will take take your food to my cannon
5. The delivery driver will load the takeaway into the cannon
6. We (as in me, John) handles the rest!
7. Following a swift detonation, your food will arrive in various disarray (and probably at your destination or there or thereabouts)

Simple! Effective! Not at all convoluted or confusing! It’s all in a day’s work at JOHN’S CANNONBALL FOOD DELIVERIES.

What Our Delighted Customers Have to Say

“What in the name of fuck is this service?! It doesn’t make any sense! You order the food, it’s then delivered (not to your address) to some lunatic with a cannon. The cannon then blasts your food and, if you’re lucky, it slams into the side of your house. I got lucky and my margherita pizza whacked into my front door. It’s fair to say it was heavily damaged and very cold, too, when it arrived. I tried to enjoy it while I sat and ate it while watching Strictly Come Dancing. Bad experience. It left me sad.” Jeff from Rochdale

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“i really don’t get this me i ordered a curry and the guy, John, cannonballed it into a field outside bolton. i rang him up and says ‘look, dickhead, i dint want me curry in a field in bolton. i wanted it at home! on me knee! while i watched strictly come dancing!’ whats the matter with you? bellend.” Jeff from Bolton

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“Four bloody hours! I waited four bloody hours for me chinese takeaway and when it arrived it cannoned through me living room window covering the whole bloody family in glass! Not impressed! Not least cos Strictly Bloody Come Bloody Dancing had ended by then and the curry were bloody cold! WOULD GIVE 0 STARS OUT OF 5 IF I COULD! But I can only give 1.” Jeff from Preston

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“I CAN ONESTLY SAY THIS IS THE WORST FOOD DELVERY SERVICE I ARE EVER BEEN BEHOLDEN TO. THE WORD DELIVERY IS NOT WHAT THIS BUSINESS DOES. THE WORD BUSINESS IS NOT WHAT THIS BUSINESS DOES. THIS IS A DISGRACE! IF I EVER CLAP EYES ON THIS ‘JOHN’ I’LL EADBUTT THE BASTARD.” Jeff from Bury

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are some FAQs. We get a lot of these. Seems a lot of you dummies can’t wrap your heads around a simple business premise. What’s the world coming to? I don’t know…

Why?

Why what?

Why choose such a stupid business idea?

That’s slander and I’ll be contacting my legal department.

No it isn’t, slander is when it’s spoken, you’re thinking of…

I don’t sense an FAQ in there, what do you want?

Why should I use your stupid business instead of a normal food delivery service?

Because if you don’t I’ll BLOW your home up with my cannon!

Okay… do you deliver sushi?

No. Only, REAL food like high fat, high salt, ultra-processed, trans fats fast foods and pies. Clog your arteries while the builders you hire clog the hole left in your foundations by my cannon!