Squeaking swivel chairs at work are responsible for economic losses of up to £73 billion per annum. As with the grotesque eating apples at work, noisy chairs cause breaks in concentration and anger.

Angry employees aren’t productive employees, which is why it is essential you keep paying them low wages with zero consideration for the modern cost of living. If they’re poor, they should work harder.

And they can’t work harder if your office chairs are squeaking like a herd of elephants having an argument with a herd of mice. Therefore, thus, and accordingly, here is a pompous employment law guide to guide you through the high-pitched squeaking.

Obliterating the Anti-Capitalist Nuisance of Squeaking Chairs at Work

The Squeaking Swivel Chairs at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. Introduced in 1974, the Act explains the extent of a squeak versus, for example, a slight muffled noises.

The Act determines some 3,1245 different types of chair-based noises. In section 334 (a) in section 27 (b) it defines a squeak as:

“Different to that of a frightened mouse, a woman shrieking due to a mouse, or a communist spying a can of Coca-Cola, but instead akin to a swivel chair struggling under the weight of an employee whom has enjoyed one-too-many burgers.”

The Act encourages employers, as a duty of care, to “destroy” squeaking chairs. In section 438 (f) in section 29 (b), the Act states:

“Gather the chair(s) and take them outside (if you do not have access to a furnace, the company car park will suffice). Stack the items, douse them in petrol, and immolate them. Encourage members of staff to whoop and cheer, prance around the inferno like braying cannibalistic savages, and after this merriment demand they get back to work.”

As the Act doesn’t mention what the employees are supposed to sit on after the, above, burning frenzy, it’s assumed they must either:

1. Stand and work
2. Sit on the floor and work

Sadly, due to the WOKE nature of modern life, both actions are now deemed breaches of health and safety standards. You must either provide new swivel chairs and/or alternative seating arrangements.

Pursuing Alternative Seating Arrangements (non-squeaking ones)

As swivel chairs can be expensive, you may want to cut some financial corners. Alternative seating arrangements are ideal for this irresponsible attitude that is, really, the hallmark of your average business. Suitable “seats” can include:

• The floor (it’s perfectly comfortable, there’s no reason not to sit there)
• 19th century era barbers chairs
• Hammocks
• Beanbag chair
• Balance board
• Saddle chair
• Horse and saddle
• Treadmill desk
• Balance ball chair
• Wobble stools
• Trampoline

It’s good business practice to consider all available options. As such, we recommend you give all of the above a go. For example, one employee will have a horse and saddle (you’ll need to hire a horse), whilst another will be splayed out in a hammock.

Meanwhile, Jeff from accounts will be shrieking with delight as he bounces up and down on his trampoline. Right up until he loses control and slams into the nearby printer. But don’t worry! Laura’s wobble stool will be a big hit! She’s in web design and needs that creative spark, which active nausea due to motion sickness will 100% provide.

Once you’ve worked out the best combination for your team, invest in the right equipment and brace yourself for the influx of productivity.

Policies Regarding Horses and Hammocks at Work

As you’ll likely be investing in many horses and hammocks (employees find it very difficult to resist both) as a new seating arrangement, you must ensure adequate training in-office to prevent mayhem.

Horses are typically fine in a field, and stuff, but once confined in an office they may begin thrashing out with their hind legs. If any of these legs connect with staff members, it may result in scuff marks and/or decapitation.

Decapitation is bad for office productivity.

Similar, improper use of office hammocks can result in slapstick falls and much mirth and/or merriment. Comments between colleagues may go along the lines of this.

“Mary! Look! I just fell out of my hammock! HAHAHAHA! Hilarious, this is the best day in work ever!”

This is all very well and good, but the next occasion that occurs the colleague may have to update “Mary” on a shattered pelvis and/or severe head trauma.

Severe head trauma is bad for office productivity.

As such, it’s good business practice to teach employees how to use hammocks on the minimum scale of fun. Perhaps have you, the all-important boss, lecture staff when on holiday in Barbados. From a live stream at the beach, demonstrate how to recline in the hammock, sip at a Martini, and bask in the joys of capitalism.

Your employees will appreciate your efforts and endeavour to not get themselves killed on the job in the name of a hammock.

Final Thoughts: Are Swivel Chairs Evil?

Yes, swivel chairs are evil. But they’re an evil necessity. Up until they start squeaking, at which point have them all destroyed and replaced by horses.