How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most famous self-help books from human history. Published in 1936 and written by Dale Carnegie (1888-1955), it’s a glorious ode to success and being successful and successful successfulness.

But did you know there’s a birding equivalent!?

Yes! It’s called How to Win Hens and Influence Peacocks (1993) and was written by a farmer called Farmer Dave Smith (for all farmers must have the surname Smith). It’s a terrible work and one laden with all manner of bizarre half-truths and waffling.

However, if you want to win hens and influence peacocks… not many other works are available to help you get some tips and tricks.

How to Win Hens and Influence Peacocks

This work is 200 slight pages and broken into two parts. The first is hen-based analysis, the second is peacocks-based. Below is our breakdown of these two birdo bits.

How to Win Hens

“Don’t be afraid of hens who attack you. Be afraid of the hens who flutter you.”

The author is clearly terrified of chickens and hens. Much of the first 50 pages make this clear, with Smith relaying harrowing tales of being attacked by the birds on his farm.

Despite his constant horror, he holds the birds to considerable levels of magnificence.

“Talk to someone about hens and they’ll listen for hours.”

It’s unclear if the “someone” he’s referring to is ever willingly part of that conversation and can escape. Regardless, the author’s ranting about hens is infectious (in the way a bout of bubonic plague would be). It’s 100 pages of barely coherent gibberish, not least as there’s no information at all about how to “win” hens.

Indeed, the author appears to have entirely forgotten the title of his chapter in favour of quaking in terror.

How to Influence Peacocks

“When dealing with peacocks, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.”

The author’s hatred of peacocks is considerable. For the final 100 pages of How to Win Hens and Influence Peacocks, Mr. Smith rants invective and a variety of unimaginative swear words about peacocks. As this is an upstanding family blog, we shall not be providing any of these rude, rude words.

Unlike the first part about hens, he does address how to “influence” the birds. Thus.

“Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or grasshopper in front of the fish and said: ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’ Why not use the same common sense when fishing for peacocks?”

After this paragraphs he reverts to more obscenity-laden abuse of the birds. Needless to say, we found this chapter genuinely unhelpful and, to our eternal annoyance, still have no idea how to influence peacocks.

Angry Responses From the Hen and Peacock Community

Based on our research, we found there was outrage from the hen and peacock community. When the book launched in late 1993, furious members of both communities hunted down Mr. Smith’s farm, stormed the premises, and threatened to burn down his house.

Luckily, Mr. Smith had nearby a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Turning to this timeless classic of wilful, fawning manipulation in pursuit of personal gain, Mr. Smith was able to smooth-talk his way out of the immolation of his property.

Having won new friends and influenced people, Mr. Smith wrote a sequel called How to Win Halmahera Boobooks and Influence Pigeons (1995). This was very poorly received by the Halmahera boobook and pigeon communities whom also stormed Mr. Smith’s property.

Unfortunately, on that occasion he did not have a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People to hand and his entire premises was burned to the ground.

The moral of this story is to ALWAYS have a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People nearby at all times, 24/7, 365 days a year. Do so, or your home may well end up a blazing inferno.