Whilst Stephen Hawking’s genius work in A Brief History of Time (1988) may be the envy of many other physicists, A Brief History of Thyme is certainly the envy of the low-growing aromatic plant world.

Written by notorious gardener Barry Legend (notorious as he once robbed a bank), this work was first published in 1992 and has since gone out of print after only selling 300 copies.

However, the internet era shone new light on this forgotten masterpiece. Now, decades on from Legend’s passing in an unfortunate incident with a combine harvester, we pay tribute to this word and its manic obsession with culinary herbs.

Remarkable Postulations Galore in A Brief History of Thyme

“Ever since the dawn of civilization, people have not been content to see thyme as unconnected and inexplicable. They have craved an understanding of the underlying order in the world. Today we still yearn to know why thyme is here and where it came from. Humanity’s deepest desire for thyme-based knowledge is justification enough for our continuing quest. And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the thyme we live consume.”

This 1,100 page tome to thyme is a masterpiece of agricultural and scientific study. Although most of what Legend wrote is total mumbo jumbo nonsense that doesn’t stand any real scientific scrutiny, and is totally lacking in empirical evidence, it’s written in a fanciful way so us to cover up “gaps” in logic.

Legend argues that time isn’t real and that thyme is, instead, time. On page 134 in chapter 1 (following on from the 133 page introduction) he stated:

“Time is not time. It is not real. Can you touch, eat, or physically assault it? Does it go well with pasta, soup, and/or sauces? No. It is in your watch and that is merely an erroneous physical manifestation of a lie.”

He goes on to claim thyme is what makes the universe tick. He doesn’t back up this claim with any evidence.

Instead, in chapter 3 on page 400 he heads off into a long, rambling tangent about a praying mantis pet he had in 1973. The pet, Charles, lived for a mere 8 months. He stated:

“Charles helped me understand science, politics, and life. Perhaps it’s due to his striking resemblance to a twig of thyme… alas, I digress. For it is not within me to reveal I accidentally ate Charles when he climbed onto a salad I was preparing for dinner. I cried for days. I was so traumatised I could only find solace by becoming a far-right lunatic who worships thyme. Worships it aggressively.”

It was this political shift that led to Legend robbing a bank in 1993.

Barry Legend’s Bank Robbing Incident

In 1993, after the commercial failure of his work, Legend decided to rob a bank. Although details on what occurred that fateful day on May 5th, CCTV footage recorded everything so police knew exactly what he was up to.

Arrested on May 6th 1993, Legend managed to bag £4,000 but had all of that confiscated back by the coppers. In an interview with the BBC he said:

“I was munching on thyme all the time whilst wielding a shotgun in the air. It made me feel like a man. Not the bank robbing or gun wielding bit, but the chewing on thyme.”

Legend was tried at court and sentenced to life imprisonment. Before he began his sentence, a combine harvester ran him over. It’s believed he was illegally trespassing in a field to procure some thyme for his time in prison.