Some human males have trouble consuming soup. If this human male happens to be your husband, this can create a soup-based problem of considerable magnitude.

Slurping is one of the great crimes against humanity and is an appalling stain on many a marriage.

To address this matter, we’re here today to assist a victim. She is in dire straits, but with our expert help she can save her marriage and return to enjoying soup as nature intended.

Soup Slurping as a CRIME Against Marriage

Dear agony aunt,

I write this to you with tears POURING down my face. POURING. For, you see, my husband is… a SOUP SLURPER. The shame of this has weighed on me for years, to the point we haven’t eaten in public since 2015. Yes. He just thinks I have agoraphobia and he believed the lie I told him, but the lie really is his table manners. Who in their right mind would slurp in this way?

The children? Well, they’re 5 and 7 now. They’re at that age where they’re basically unruly delinquents, so I’m training them with an iron fist to be more respectful for their elders and table manners. But the long story short is they think daddy is FUNNY. FUNNY because of the soup slurping. FUNNY.

Do you see me laughing?

Do you see me here filled with mirth, cackling away, bent over double in fits of hysterics?

I’ve been left screaming hysterically, sure, but again my husband thinks that’s the agoraphobia and I’ve left this for a decade and is it too late to raise it with this deadbeat dad? My children’s minds have been corrupted by this vile man, turned into soup slurpers themselves and at dinner we all sit there and they LAUGH when daddy slurps, then little Damien slurps, than little Susie slurps, and I scream inside and, well, I hit my limit on April 9th 2025 and have BANNED soup from the house with cold blooded efficiency.

My husband DEMANDED most aggressively as to why, “Hannah, why did you ban soup last night? A little out of character. Is everything okay? We’ve eaten soup in this household since 2010!”

Well, I blamed it on the agoraphobia and so, there we have it, the soup is banned. And I thought that was the solution to all of my problems.

But then that psychopath came home the next day… with CUSTARD for dessert.

Custard!

Last night they all sat there slurping their custard and giggling together like a happy family. I waited calmly, seething inwardly, until the children had gone to bed. Then I unleashed my inner and demented fury. Needless to say, my husband won’t be consuming soup OR custard anymore! That’s because I THREW ALL OF OUR SPOONS INTO THE BIN!

Will this work? Yours, Hannah

Hi there, Hannah. Your husband is, indeed, a total bastard. As this is a special case, we’ve put the entire Professional Moron team of agony aunt experts onto this matter.

As we all really like soup, this also bolsters our (collective) ability to provide a superb response for you.

After much deliberation, we have determined that throwing all of your spoons into the bin won’t work. This is for multiple reasons, but our primary focus is upon:

1. Your husband’s capacity to easily buy more spoons
2. Your husband and children don’t need spoons to consume soup or custard, they can simply lift the bowl containing the foodstuff to their lips
3. We can’t think of a third point

Our suggestion is cruel, but effective. Tough love is needed here, Hannah, but you may panic upon hearing this ultimatum—LIFT the ban on soup and RETURN the spoons to your home.

Instead, superheat your next round of soup so it’s at the most searingly, boiling hot temperature imaginable. As you serve it, loudly announce in an inconspicuous fashion, “Tuck… in!”

Your husband will think everything is fine, equilibrium restored, soup back on the menu.

His bellows of agony after consuming some of the superheated soup will leave him irreparably scarred for life. No more soup in your household! Not even leek and potato. Problem solved.