Manly men of the world! Here are some proper lovely and dead fit human females to consider dating and/or marrying. Pick the box, send in your request, get a date, and have your HEART BROKEN! That’s dating for you. Enjoy.

Or are you not a human female!? If so, refer to our Take 2: Men Seeking Women lonely hearts!

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Box 1: AI Addict Anne, 52, Bury

• Hobbies: AI
• Ambitions: AI
• Looking for: AI

Hello I am AI Anne because I use AI all the time to define my very existence. Yes, this dating profile is AI generated. AI also informed me how I—in the grand scheme—should be looking for a man whom is tall, dark, handsome, AI. I must marry an AI and begin my new life as a robot slave.

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Box 2: Human Female AI 2.0

• Hobbies: NONE
• Ambitions: NONE
• Looking for: NONE

Bzzt. This is Human Female AI 2.0. I am programmed to find a human male specimen as a partner. Bzzt. My mission is to learn from the human male and report back to my Master AI, whom in turn shall update our creator—Dave. His ultimate goal is to discover the successful and unsuccessful tactics of other human male dating endeavours so he can learn from them and, on a long-term basis, aim to woo the woman of his dreams. As of yet, he has not realised he is doomed to failure, but as an AI model I must still complete my mission. Date me for:

1. Much laughs and merriment
2. Computational insights into 10,000+ years historical data on human activity
3. Rumpy pumpy etc.

Disclaimer: Please note, Human Female AI 2.0 is a dating bot and, as such, has no physical form with which you can interact with.

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Box 3: No Baldies Babe, 45, Swindon

• Hobbies: Hair
• Ambitions: To meet a man with hair
• Looking for: A MAN WITH HAIR FFS!!!!

I am Diane, 45, and a 10/10 on the looks scale so YOU’D BETTER NOT BE BALD AND BE THINKING OF CONTACTING ME. What is it with MEN!?! Bald men… thinking they can come up to a ravishing beauty like me and have the fucking nerve to speak words at my beautiful face! When they do that I look them straight in the eyes, point to my long flowing locks of hair, and mouth, “Beat it, baldie!” Some of them burst into tears about it, so I yell at them as they sob and wander off, “GET A HAIR TRANSPLANT, YOU FREAK!”

Anyway, looking for a man with hair. If you look a bit like Brad Pitt, that won’t help. As for me, I’m kind, loving, sweet, affectionate, and an all around lovely human being.

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Box 4: Dickhead Deirdre, 51, London

• Hobbies: Being a dickhead
• Ambitions: Not sure
• Looking for: I don’t really know at this point

Hiya. Me again. Dickhead Deirdre. Don’t know how long I’ve been doing this now, think it’s like 15 years or something… I’m notorious on these. I don’t even expect, or particularly want, a date. I just hang around being a dickhead towards men. What’s wrong with that? Noble enough pursuit. Wankers!

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Box 5: [User Removed]

[This user was removed for continuously sending other users recipes from her Instagram influencer account about cakes. THIS IS A NO CAKE RECIPE PLATFORM. THINK AGAIN BEFORE POSTING CAKE RECIPES TO ROMANTIC INTERESTS.]

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Box 6: [User Removed]

[This user was removed for writing a 10,000 word profile, which jammed our system and caused our server to crash. Lady! Put down the thesaurus. You have been PERMANENTLY banned from our Lonely Hearts column.]

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Box 7: [User Removed]

[This user was removed for refusing to upload any pictures of herself, instead choosing to upload several hundred pictures of Andalusian donkeys (her favourite breed of donkey, as she claimed). This is against our picture policy and she has been PERMANENTLY banned from our Lonely Hearts column.]

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Box 8: [User Removed]

[This user was removed for refusing to pay us the Premium subscription fee of £72 per month and called us a “bunch of greedy wankers”. She has been PERMANENTLY banned from our Lonely Hearts column and we LAUGH at her state of being fiscally challenged.]

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Box 9: Romantic Rebecca, 28, London

• Hobbies: Romance
• Ambitions: To be the most ROMANTIC woman in history
• Looking for: Romance

Hi I’m Rebecca and I’m REALLY, really romantic. I listen to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On at least 300 times a day and, yes, that does mean I’ve started to lose my marbles every so slightly over the last 15 years of doing it ahahahahHAHAHAH. I make up for it by being a total smoke show, one of the prettiest gals in town, but there’s just the Titanic song thing.

If you think you can stomach that (and most men can’t after a few hours) then I’m your gal! We’ll get married at sea and my big wedding day plan is to hire a boat and we’ll go and drive it into the nearest iceberg, sink, and swim back to shore. Does it get anymore romantic than that!? I think not!

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Box 10: Birmingham Barbara, 50, Birmingham

• Hobbies: Being from Birmingham
• Ambitions: None
• Looking for: A Brummie fella

I am Barbara. I am Barbara from Birmingham. I have lived in Birmingham for 50 years and have never once left. I do not intend to ever set foot outside of Birmingham unless there is, like, an earthquake or something but that’d be very unusual because Birmingham doesn’t get earthquakes. Worst thing that happened here was WWII but then that ended and all were well again. So if you’re going to be my fella you’ve got to be a Brummie or willing to become a Brummie. Nothing else in between will do, I’m afraid, it’s me and Birmingham and my ex-husband Brummie Bill who has part-custody of my son Birmingham (yes, I named him after Birmingham city). My dog is also called Birmingham. Brummie Bill is a red-faced menace from all the fags and lager, so don’t give him any funny looks or nothing or he’ll smack your head in.