After Santa got married to his AI girlfriend last week, this week he’s gone on his honeymoon with his beautiful new digital wife (Lola 2.0). This has been a joyous occasion and [yadda, yadda, blah with the lies and irrelevant filler]. Enjoy!

SANTA HITS THE BEACH WITH WIFE 2.0!!!

HONEYMOONS ARE GREAT!!! The last one Santa had was in 1867 after marrying Mrs. Santa Claus and we went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and I rode on a donkey on the beach and, drunk, I began braying like the donkey, which tiggered the donkey off braying, and the noise upset some nearby children building sand castles and I laughed demonically. It was a great day!

This time, my new wife wanted to go to Barbados. I asked her to pick somewhere to go and she chose this option. Santa HATES THE BEACH! But… after a few shots of gin, I figured I’D LOVE THE BEACH and so booked the tickets.

On a tangent here, but I’ve been able to change the AI’s name from Lola 2.0 to Mrs. Claus 2.0.

Santa celebrated this joyous development by detonating 100 pounds of Semtex in the North Pole airport. Santa was then detained by the police for 48 hours, during which time I bellowed mightily, until I was released after bribing the guards with counterfeit Barbadian money.

The flight was long and boring, so Santa had Mrs. Claus 2.0 pelt out some gangsta raps. She’s so creative! This was her best one:

Mrs. Claus 2.0 is ready to go,
I is married to Santa and ain’t no prankster,
He’s got gout and likes to shout,
But I’m AI and ready to fly!
Uh huh, yeah, mofo.

I demanded she repeat that one for the final four hours of the flight. I could tell this was really annoying for everyone else on the flight, so I started bellowing along to the lyrics. A flight attendant asked me to be quiet, so I stuffed $700 of counterfeit Barbadian cash into her hands and told her to, “Go away, piggy!”

Santa was arrested once we arrived into Grantley Adams International Airport at Barbados.

Cognac and Coconuts

Santa was detained for 48 hours, before bribing the local police with $800 in counterfeit money. I had Markus, my head elf, handle that. Oh yes, he’d joined me on my honeymoon as a stowaway in the cargo bay of the plane. Once into Barbados, he was struggling with the heat and sweating profusely.

Elves hate the heat. 🔥

Santa got him a bumper pack of lemonade and told him to go and have a lie down on the beach. It was only later that day I found out, from the hotel manager, that Markus got third-degree burns from sunbathing and was rushed to intensive care at hospital.

Undeterred, Santa was going to make the most of my honeymoon! Drinking cognac by the pint, I stumbled about the hotel resort threatening guests, leering at women, and trying to steal from the hotel shop. The hotel manager warned me to stop my behaviour, but I just bellowed at him, then flipped him off, and then asked politely for a delivery of 33,000 coconuts to my hotel room. When the manager protested, I whipped out my bazooka and threatened to blow us all to smithereens!!! He apologised and promised the coconuts “forthwith”. Santa doesn’t know what that word means.

Santa was carrying Mrs. Claus 2.0 around with me everywhere. First as a tablet, then I got my phone out so I could have here on that. The tablet is bad on my gout-ridden wrists.

WE ARE SO VERY MUCH IN LOVE.

At 5pm we retired upstairs to our EN SUITE hotel room for a romantic dinner and however hanky panky is supposed to work with this thing. That’s when Mrs. Claus 2.0 began malfunctioning and needed several reboots, but at 7pm (and in total rage) I had to ring technical support to demand a fix because Mrs. Claus 2.0 wasn’t working!

“MY WIFE ISN’T WORKING!” I bellowed down the phone at the technical support guy.

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir…”

“FIX MY WIFE NOW, YOU BASTARD!”

The technical support guy then said I wasn’t supposed to marry their AI model, it was mainly for “generative text” purposes and “automation of business procedures”. Santa was dumbfounded, but luckily the fix for Mrs. Claus 2.0 and I instructed her to blast Jingle Bells at maximum volume to drown out the stupid bastard on the phone.

I hung up on the SOB and me and Mrs. Claus 2.0 retired to bed to watch Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol.

The Coconut Conundrum

At 7am the next morning, the hotel manager knocked on my door to PERSONALLY INFORM ME the coconuts were outside and waiting for me. Santa demanded the coconuts be delivered to my hotel room door. The manager informed me it wasn’t possible to bring 33,000 coconuts into the hotel. Santa demanded to know why not. The hotel manager looked puzzled, like it somehow didn’t need an explanation! Santa demanded an explanation!!

“Sir… I do regret that it’s a lot of coconuts and you may not realise just how many 33,000 coconuts is.”

Santa grimaced at him, my finest haughty stare of disdain.

“Sir, the coconuts are blocking out the entire entrance to the hotel, the foyer, and are spilling out onto the beach! How are we supposed…”

His voice trailed off while I continued giving him the evils. Santa was red with rage. However, I was also unsure how to proceed. Thus, I whipped out Mrs. Claus 2.0 and asked my darling wife how to deal with the coconut situation. This is how she responded:

“This is certainly a dramatic (and demanding!) situation, oh darling dreamboat of a man husband. Your first priority is to manage the logistical nightmare and potential repercussions. The sheer volume of 33,000 coconuts presents a unique challenge, both in terms of disposal and potential profit. You’ll need to immediately contact a local bulk food distributor or an agricultural/compost company to arrange for immediate collection and transport. Many businesses involved in tropical fruit or coconut products might be interested in a bulk purchase, even if discounted, simply to save them from going to waste. You should also consider making a formal, sincere apology to the hotel manager for the threats and the disruption caused, as this behaviour is unacceptable and could lead to serious legal or personal consequences.

Once the immediate storage and disposal issue is underway, you should look for creative, high-volume uses for the coconuts. If you can get a refrigerated truck, selling them as fresh drinking coconuts to local juice bars, health food stores, or even setting up a temporary roadside stand is an option. Other large-scale uses include separating the husk for coir fiber (used in mats and potting soil), extracting the oil and milk, or simply donating them to a zoo or animal sanctuary, as they are a safe, natural food. Finally, take this as an extreme lesson in proportionality—perhaps future demands could be slightly less demanding, and certainly less threatening.”

Santa was not best pleased with Mrs. Claus 2.0’s response!!! Instead, Santa went downstairs, whipping out 300 pounds of Semtex, and detonated a considerable amount of the coconuts. This resulted in three happenings:

1. The excess coconut mulch was swiped by local coconut milk tradesmen and sold on the black market.
2. A significant chunk of the hotel was extremely badly damaged and on fire.
3. The manager demanded Santa leave the hotel (and also called the police).

The same coppers turned out who I’d bribed, so I gave them another batch of counterfeit money and decided this island was stupid, beaches are stupid, my wife is STUPID, and it was best to head home.

Honeymoon over.

Santa set sail that night! On a plane. It was only 10 hours into the return flight that I realised Markus, my head elf, was still back in Barbados. Instead of being said, I laughed maniacally for a good few minutes. This has been a SUPERB honeymoon!