The Saunas at Work Act 1974 legislates saunas in the workplace. The Act was introduced in 1974, which was the year before 1975 and the year after 1973, introducing reforms on the use of hot-air rooms in working environments.
Sweat-equity isn’t to be sniggered at. Employee loyalty is forged through the swear-inducing heat of 82.2222 Celsius, with Key Perspiration Indicators (KPIs) central to making the most of your investment for some serious ROI.
In this business guide, we explore how to turn your business into a business of HOT HOUSE productivity.
Sweat-Equity: The Sauna-Based World of HR and Heat Exhaustion
Introducing a sauna at work is a superb way to instil productivity back into slacking members of staff. In the sweat-drench section 123 (a) of page 143,123 the Act states:
“Installing a sauna into your working environment, such as the office, is legal. Employees should be encouraged to use the hot-air room liberally, but only if they intend to use the, aforementioned, room for work. If they intend to use it for leisure, that would be breach of employment contract. Make this clear to all employees and enforce your rules with draconian relish, such as breaking a rule breaker’s legs with a sledgehammer to teach them a lesson.”
Studies show that working in a sauna can INCREASE productivity by up to 1% for about 15 minutes. This long-term productivity boost, in the long-term, ensures an exceptional level of return on investment.
As the core tenet of this initiative is productivity. As nothing screams being productive more than staff sitting half naked in a hot room, sweating profusely, whilst thinking critically.
Ladle Sovereignty for Total Employee Control
The water coolers in your workplace can now be taken outside and blown to smithereens by TNT. No need for those anymore, as your timely sauna installation replaces mindless yakking with hardcore work.
Indeed, for only C-suiters can wield the ladle to pour water onto those sauna rocks, the ultimate in gatekeeping the office climate. In addition, you may wish to let one drop of eucalyptus oil drip onto the rocks as members of staff speak, drowning them out with steam and insufferable toxic workplace management.
All whilst staff dress in monogrammed linen wraps, emblazoned as they will be with a company logo, and smartwatches as a company perk (just be aware some may explore at certain temperatures and seek to have a fire extinguisher readily available for said explosion).
The ultimate goal, of course, is to move all members into staff into the sauna by Q4 (or Q3 if possible), ensuring employees are stacked like cordwood to foster a harmonious working environment of trust, economy, and radical proximity. All whilst you nail motivational posters all the way around your premises:
“Can’t stand the heat? You’re FIRED!”
As in the world of capitalism, it’s perspiration for inspiration. That and unliveable wages that don’t align with the modern cost of living (ensure you delude yourself on that point 24/7 to ignore the reality of your salary packages).
Strategic Dehydration for Business Deal Manipulation
Another superb aspect to in-business saunas is the capacity to take clients into the sauna. Nothing roars hospitality as much as forcing clients to strip half naked before your workforce, before stepping into the hot-air room and sweating it out.
It’s the ideal way to break them down and a deal by forcing unsuspecting bastards into dehydration, so they’ll sign any old deal for the good of you, the employer.
Obviously, the goal isn’t to kill your clients or anyone involved in business negotiations.
It’s to sweat them out, have them on the verge of passing out, then getting them to numbly scribble on the dotted line. Hey presto, you’ve just partnered with the deodorant company located in London. That’ll help with the putrid reek of employees as they stink out the premises with their BO*!
* Don’t forget to update employee contracts of employment with new stipulations regarding body odour, dismissal, and pay cuts should the stench become untenable.
