As 2026 draws to a close… oh, hang on, it’s 2024 isn’t it? Okay, as this year comes to an end we’ve taken a break from our standard employment law pieces.
All so we focus on some THOUGHT LEADERSHIP content. To whit, whether every business in the world should be forced (through violent means, if necessary) to provide employees with free sandwiches.
You know, stuff like ham and pickle on white bread, egg, tuna and mayo, ham and jam etc.
The Case FOR Free Sandwiches at Work
The law, if it came into effect, would be named (and retrospectively titled), The Free Sandwiches at Work Act 1974 (Even Though It is Actually Almost 2025).
Employees argue the best thing about this decision is free food. With free sandwiches, they have access to high-quality foodstuffs, provided by the employer, to slake their need to not starve to death.
Other benefits of this law include:
- Boost to sandwich sales
- Boost to bread sales
- Sandwiches reaffirmed as the most popular workplace breakfast/lunch
As an exclusive cast study, we asked Joanne Bastard (name changed to hide her identity), a marketing executive for a human resources firm, what she thought about the free sandwich matter. She said:
“My boss is a massive WANKER and I hate him with all my worth. The very sight of him each and every day is enough for me to want to cave his bloody head in with an anvil! However, if he introduced free sandwiches I do believe some of my pent up rage would alleviate and I may feel differently about my murderous intent.”
There we have it! Introduce free sandwiches and the balance of harmony in the business world would be well and truly restored.
The Case AGAINST Free Sandwiches at Work
The stuff needed to make sandwiches (bread, salad, meat, ultra-processed chemicals etc.) cost money. As such, whilst the sandwiches may well be free for employees, for the employer they most certainly are not free.
And when you’re already paying your employees an unliveable wage that leaves them struggling to pay bills and rent in the hellish mess of the modern capitalist system, why should you give them bread? Let them eat business! As the old proverb goes.
Irrespective of that matter, if you find a compassionate bone in your body (even if it is just for pretence), there are other downside to feeding members of staff. Including:
- Bloating: Bloated with carbs, employees can become fatigued, listless, and unproductive. Unproductiveness is bad for productivity.
- Gas: Bloated employees also tend to expel more gas, leading to a hostile and foul-smelling working environment.
- Arguments over fillings: You can’t satisfy everyone. If Jeff from accounts and James from sales want that tuna and mayo on white bread, there’ll likely be a fight to the death to determine the winner. Reminder—deceased members of staff cannot complete work for you.
- Punch ups over crusts or no crusts: Being largely idiotic, your employees will get angry about a crustless or pro-crust sandwich stance. Choose wisely. The wrong choice may result in a hellish bloodbath.
To note, please see the crustless sandwiches at work guide to observe the raging debate regarding to crust, or not to crust.
A wider “against” point is that you should show your staff no mercy.
As Steve Jobs put it, the worst thing you can say to an employee is “good job”. By showing disdain for their efforts and not rewarding them with anything, you’ll likely piss them off so much they clear off to a business that isn’t run by an egomaniacal tosser.
The Professional Moron Verdict: Compromise With Low-Quality Produce
If your workforce is baying for free sandwiches, you can satisfy staff with a cost-effective compromise. Agree to their demands, but snigger whilst doing so. Then send out a company-wide emailing stating:
Dear inferior employees on a far lower paycheck than I,
We have listened to your annoying requests for free sandwiches and taken onboard your arguments. We have also taken onboard our need to run a goddamn business here, for bleedin’ hell’s sake, and came to the conclusion the sandwiches will be provided EVERY MORNING at 7am until 8am.
To note, the sandwiches will be served ONLY on that type of low-quality white bread that gives you gut rot and they’ll have fillings that contribute significantly toward type II diabetes (i.e. ultra-processed red meats and high trans fat cheese).
Employees must stand in the company car park while consuming the sandwiches and it will be mandatory for everyone to agree the sandwiches are brilliant, tasty, and of the very highest quality. After your COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free) meal, you will then spend 30 minutes in general genuflection as you worship me, your benign and glorious overlord.
Kind regards,
[Business owner name]
By pumping members of staff full of low-quality produce that increases their chances of developing debilitating diseases, you can manage your budget more effectively.
Thus, you can save for that £40 million superyacht you so richly deserve. On which you can have extremely high-quality sandwiches served to you by bikini clad babes. Fantastic sandwiches with real good quality bread, packed with the finest quality caviar, loaded up with the type of quality meats that won’t clog your intestines, and all while you sit there chewing with your mouth open convinced you’ve worked harder than everyone else.
Your employees will be jealous, naturally, but then if they want better sandwiches THEY SHOULD TRY WORKING HARDER.
Thus, offering them the sandwich dregs. That spongy white bread stuff that has carboxymethyl cellulose (CMC) in it. Mwahah. Mwahahah! Mwahahahahahahahaaaa!
