We did a sandwich post agggggggggges ago in May of 2013. Er, ’12, rather. You can check it here to see we are truth tellers: BEHOLD. That was to celebrate 250 years of sandwiches. Frankly, as it’s Sunday we can’t be bothered thinking of any almighty, profound, or staggeringly unique content for Professional Moron. “Laziness is a virtue… for the lazy!” quipped Mr. Wapojif in a moment of Oscar Wilde-esque pontification. He was so proud of this he sat himself down and ate a sandwich. And why? As sandwiches are great. Everyone loves a good sandwich (even Genghis Khan!).
In amongst all the dreary bad news we’ve all been facing we thought it would be fun to run with a current affairs story no major news networks have picked up on recently; Sandwiches Are Great. Not all of them, of course, as you can have shoddy sandwiches. So imagine Mr. Wapojif’s JOY when he came across the British Sandwich Designer of the Year awards! This is run by the British Sandwich Association and challenges YOU to come up with a super tasty new recipe. You MUST include one of the following as an ingredient; Bel UK’s mature cheese, Goddess Tuna, Universal Meats Roasted 5mm Sliced Chicken, Warbutons Gluten Free Range, English Provender Apple, Pear and Fig Chutney. We’re not chefs but we figured we could handle this!
Sandwich Designer Name: Mr. Wapojif
Company: Professional Moron
Sandwich Name: Professional Moron’s Sandwich Monster!!!!
Ingredient of Choice: Goddess Tuna.
Who is your product for?: Humans, animals, aliens.
Age Range: Anyone not dead.
Other Information: If our sandwich does not win we will set fire to the Professional Moron office in protest.
Our sandwich, the Sandwich Monster for short, will be made up of two thick slices of BROWN bread (there will not be a white bread variety; what are you, like, 12?) with crusts (again, petty/fussy eaters can sod off with this one – you’re not welcome. What are you, like, 9?). The bread will be slathered with LOW FAT margarine and will have a dollop of marmite on one, an extremely large slice of brie on the other. The tuna will then be placed on the brie. Following this development the following spices will follow the following followers; paprika, chilli pepper, cayenne pepper, black pepper, white pepper, mixed pepper, and turmeric. Next up come the further ingredients to really hammer home the unique nature of this sandwich. Garlic cloves (unpeeled for that authentic twang), raw onions (raw as in “not cooked”), spring onions, marmalade, cabbage, mayonnaise, soy sauce, jam (all varieties), honey, spinach, aspic, salt, more pepper, cement dust, another large slice of brie, and a dollop of Nutella.
Obviously this thing will be of considerable size by this point, so stapling it together with a staple gun and super glue is an excellent idea. Awesome! Feel free to enter your recipes to the British Sandwich Association; they won’t beat our idea, though. HAHAHAHA! Losers.