What was life like on Mars?

These sorts (known as Splugs) inhabited Mars for a billion years!

Right, so the clever folk at NASA have figured out the highly likely probability of Mars having been an Earthlike planet around two billion years ago. It seems possible the place was awash with water and possibly even lush greenery. And life, too? Were there little green alien beings frolicking about the place? Yes, indeed, there were (we think). Anyway, it’s all for nought as it seems the Sun (being the colossal psychopath it is) destroyed Mars’ o-zone layer mijigger and the game was up. Ever since the planet has been a collection of dust, rock, disturbingly vast volcanoes and canyons, and the one volcano that (at an angle at a certain time of day) made it look like it was a monument of a human face. “Aliens?!?!?” many thought. YES!

Regardless of Mars’ general inhospitable nature, it seems human beings are intent on visiting the “red” planet to see if we can spread further, like some sort of apologetically violent disease, through the solar system. It’s all about clinging to the hope, in the distant future, of humans not going extinct. Likely? No. Call us jaded gits if you wish but, you snow, dinosaurs ruled the Earth for 500 million years and it went a bit wrong for them in the end. Humans (in our most evolved state) have barely been about for 10,000 years. And look what’s happened during that time. To sum it up in one word; “mayhem”. Anyway, we wonder what life was like on Mars two billion years ago. Luckily Mr. Wapojif has a number of telekinetic powers and can see into the past. Read on, Macduff!

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Alien Beings!

Many wars were fought over the ear horn size of the Splugs.

Yes, aliens lived on Mars for a billion years! Known as Splugs, they evolved out of the wild spinach undergrowth (read below) and eventually came to resemble and octopus donkey monster. They communicated by emitting furious caterwauling noises from their ear horns. Sadly, as is the wont of sentient beings, many wars were fought over how the Splugs should pronounce “Splugs”. The coloured Splugs were in favour of “Splugs”, whilst the white splugs (being a bit stupid), wanted “Octagonalisation”. The most fearsome war, known as the 100,000 Year Rampage, raged for 100,000 years (duh) and cost the lives of many, many, many, many, many Splugs. Eventually they merged a truce and settled on “Splugalisation”. In their native tongue this would be pronounced as, “%%*&76877hhhhh((*)(*32322220:@@:?>>”.

Spinach Huts

Splugs harvesting a spinach tree.
Splugs harvesting a spinach tree.

The Splugs maintained the vast spinach trees which bristled all over Mars. They also used the vegetable as a means of life. Indeed, it was all they ate! However, due to their overindulgence in the leafy thing 90% of the 50 billion Splug population suffered from gout. Nasty. Luckily this didn’t deter them from using their favourite thing as a means to make their humble abodes. Spinach Huts were fashioned out of spinach (duh) and a secreted substance from the Splugs’ nostrils known as “crème fraiche”. This stuff resembled mushy peas but had the sticking power of 77,000 tubes of pritt stick glue. I say!

Boredom

Marvin during a publicity visit to Mars, shortly before his decapitation.
Marvin during a publicity visit to Mars, shortly before his decapitation.

Despite having flying spinach cropping machines, the Splugs really didn’t have much to do on Mars. This is, probably, why they engaged in so much warfare as it gave them something to do. It should be noted a bored Splug monster is a dangerous thing as they were known to fly in terrific bouts of caterwauling which would become so loud you could hear it on Earth! Just as well there were only amoebas around back then, eh!?! Anyway, for 50,000 years the Splugs had an infatuation with regular visitor Marvin the Martian; he would enlighten, and enliven (and enrichen) their lives with song and dance routines. Eventually, though, they grew bored of him and slaughtered him before nailing his head to a spike.

Philosophy

The Flying Spaghetti Monster the Universe.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster created the Universe.

The Splugs were great thinkers and, as with most of these types, would come up with a lot of jaunty aphorisms to try and fend off the aforementioned boredom. Their most famous saying was; “A Mars a day helps you work, rest, and play.” This being in reference to Mars rocks, which would often be eaten in an attempt to cure the pandemic of gout.

The Splugs also had 2 Commanments which they lived by (as dictated by their almighty creator The Flying Spaghetti Monster). These were;

1- Thou shall not complain about gout,

2- Thou shall, if bored and confused, murder everyone in a despicable way.

As you can see they were a confusing race of beasts. ‘Tis sad they are gone but, given the endless fathoms of thyme, peace can begotten amongst those who understand it. Need an example of this? Read up about Diogenes and his barrel. Innit.

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