How To Create The Perfect Tea Setup


Professional Moron recently changed offices and, to celebrate this staggering achievement, we updated our tea making process. *Burp* Excuse us!

Perfecting this can take thyme, but seeing as PM have been tea aficionados for many years we pretty much have it down to a t (bag). If that awesome joke wasn’t enough to win over your blackened, world weary hearts, then read on for stupid pictures and insightful witticisms. It’ll be enough to turn even the most jaded oddball into a tea loving freak of nature!

Removing The Inadequate Mug

SpongeBob didn't cut it.
SpongeBob didn’t cut it.

We ruddy like SpongeBob, but as a tea mug this simply would not suffice. We mean, what next? A mug with a picture of, like, The Queen on it or something!? Or one bearing the legend, “Keep Calm and Yodel On”? We’re not gonna take it!

Introducing the Teapot of Doom

The Teapot of Doom!
The Teapot of Doom!

Asides from being a revolutionary first-person shoot-em-up for the PC, Doom transferred its awesomeness to the world of tea. Thusly we acquired a Teapot of Doom, and we highly recommend you do too.


It involves playing Doom and completing it, the reward being you then have the time to leave your house and buy a teapot. Such as the one above. Now it’s a stainless steel majigger and the “stainless” bit is key, along with another vital asset.

Make Sure The Teapot Of Doom Has A Lid!

A lidded teapot.
A lidded teapot.

Make sure the teapot you purchase has a lid. If there is no lid, you can’t get boiled water into the teapot. Well, you could use the funnel bit on the left but it’d be, like, really awkward. Plus, you’d probably spill boiling water on your fingers and it’d hurt like a thousand Suns singing your eyebrows. However, if you can’t find a lidded teapot you have been cursed by Sumo Man.

Sumo Man Hates Your Guts

This man hates you and wants you dead.
This man hates you and wants you dead.

Sumo Man is the Tea Spirit whom watches over tea drinkers and punishes them when they do something wrong. For instance, if anyone pours milk into a herbal tea Sumo Man punishes discrepancies with teapots with NO LID. Consequently tea drinkers are left with the horrifying situation of a useless teapot. Cripes!

Worse, Sumo Man attempts to trick tea users with strange calligraphy, subliminal tea messages, and passive aggressive rants. The SOB!

Don’t Be Swayed By Max

Who is this Max they speak of?!?
Who is this Max they speak of?!?

Max isn’t to be trusted, it’s merely the work of Sumo Man. Do not trust Max. Max does not own your teapot, regulate the tea in your teapot, nor does he/she have anything to do with your teapot. Do not believe Sumo Man’s lies!

Avoid A Fate Worse Than Sumo Man

A proper tea mug
A proper tea mug

Do the tea thing the proper way; get an ace mug (in this case orf of Etsy) and big it up a notch. Sumo Man isn’t to be respected – show him who’s boss! So long as you’re rocking an ace mug, ace tea, and a functioning teapot, you’re in The Tea Zone.

Show The World Who’s Boss

Tea? Check. Book? Check. Check? Check. Sumo Man? Sod off!
Tea? Check. Book? Check. Check? Check. Sumo Man? Sod off!

Ace mug, ace book, ace tea (Clipper‘s Assam and Vanilla, is this case)! You have now achieved The Perfect Tea Setup, and shown those goddamn Communist coffee drinkers what for.

Lorne Malvo

Disclaimer: This picture heavy post was sponsored by Hipsters ‘R’ Us and Lorne Malvo’s Tea Company.


  1. Mr, Wapoojif (That joke is still funny) – What is your favorite type of tea? Mine is green tea flavoured with lemongrass and verbena. In Hebrew, verba is “louisia”, which I once thought meant “Louisiana”.

    Also, please do not burp during writing. It makes it hard to read.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is NOTHING funny about my amazingly stupid surname!! My favourite tea? Well! There’s this brand called Pukka I go for, and I like the Clipper brand too. Herbal tea, mainly, but Clipper do this awesome one called Assam and Vanilla which needs to be seen to be beholden!

      Green tea with verbena and lemongrass sounds like an award winning combo! Truly refreshing. I like a Yerba Mate and Lemongrass combo I came across recently. Honestly, I could rant about tea all day. This message was free from burps.


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