Love Actually is one of those films which, in the UK, is mandatory to run at Christmas. It’s by the Queen’s order, you see, and should she not be obeyed she’s threatened to make her annual speech last for a solid hour! As a result, TV producers kowtow to her demands and repeat Love Actually on a loop.

The film’s famous for starring the likes of Liam Neeson, Huge Grant, the awesome Laura Linney, and Bill Nighy. Huge Grant is seemingly stuck in a romantic film comedy loop – indeed, “Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.” is still ringing in our ears! This time he’s spared the horror, with Andrew Lincoln stepping up to dish out the Christmas cheer: “To me, you are perfect” reads his sign. He’s man enough to do it – fending off all those zombies in the Walking Dead! But what if he’d done something a bit different?

To me, you are perfect.

Our key problem is he missed the full stop. It’s kind of a deal breaker as it indicates he can’t complete things – there’s no commitment evident. Was it really too much effort to put a little dot in, Rick Grimes? Ditch the zero and find yourself a hero!

To me, your perfect

At this point any lady must think: “Hmmmm… should I date someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? Not that I’m a pedantic grammar fiend, and this doesn’t mean he’s stupid, but it’s kind of the equivalent of not being able to add 2+2 together, or not knowing where Scotland is. I’ll pass.”

Too me, your perfection

Kind of like above, but with the wrong use of “to” (there should be a third “o” on the end). Also, he’s got the grammar bad on “your” again. If he turned up at your property wielding this I’d recommend you call the cops.

2 me u r perfick

Should you date someone who relies so heavily on text talk and whom makes the assumption writing “perfick”, instead of the correct form, is ostensibly “cute”? What the hell, give it a go, it’s Andrew Lincoln, the rich and famous actor!

To me, you are a prefect

Andrew Lincoln, still marginally stuck in his role as high school teacher Simon in Teachers, makes a bit of a blunder. Charming or indefensibly insulting? You decide.

To me, you are perverted

This one would have put an unusual spin on Love Actually, spearing it off into a courtroom drama with lots of people standing up and shouting, “Objection, your honour!” Cool. We smell a sequel!

To me, you are perpendicular

It’s those basic GCSE lessons kicking in from Teachers again, Mr. Lincoln, forget about it and move on. It’s Christmas, no one wants to do mathematics!

To me, you are pretty bad at acting

Lincoln’s love interest in this film is Keira Knoghtley. Not that we’re dissing Knightley’s acting ability, it’s just we are dissing it. There was no need for the unnecessary badness of the Pirates of the Caribbean, woman.

2 me, snuggums, yew R purrfect! Uggy buggy woo!

“To me, you are perfect” is all very well and good, but on the grand scale of nauseating romantic gestures it’s not quite up there with van Gogh’s efforts. Thusly, this full on cutesy version is enough to make grown men fall to their knees in horror and weep!

To me, you are perfectly ignorable

This one’s great as it builds up towards a real compliment, before dashing one’s hopes into the ground. Take that, you SOB!

To me, you are premeditating murder

From a Christmas favourite to an outright brutal murder mystery called Death, Actually. Starring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Spacey, this one would have been an Oscar winner!