We’ve all been there and done it. Even E.T. the Extra Terrestrial. Dating. By this we’re on about dates, of course, the vegetables with the sugary punch. Indeed, dates have dated some of the most interesting foodstuffs in the world, such as cakes, other dates, and of course wasabi. They’ve had a most interesting time.

Humans, naturally, tend to date other humans. There are exceptions, of course, such as the bloke who married a goat in Romania (he was forced to by law – look it up), but that’s an exception as exceptions tend to be exceptional. Normally we have happy couples who engage in the stalker-esque behaviour of going on dates and (nausea overload) *connecting*. Jesus H Christ, how hideous. Anyway, what would it be like dating a date? Let us find out.

Dates: Not For Dating

Okay, so we decided to list five reasons why dating a date is bad. This paragraph is mere filler to provide a decent segue into the content below. Yadda yadda blah, bizarre guff which is witty and insightful, and here we go!

1. Dates are Vegetables

Vegetables don’t make good company. Seriously, go to your larder (or, if you don’t have one, head outside and find your nearest tree) and try and have a conversation with a stick of celery. The stupid thing won’t respond.

Dates are much the same, and if you get angry and try and grip them gruffly by the neck, all they do is go squidgy before violently stabbing you with the stone which they furtively hide inside themselves. Gits!

2. They go off by March 2016

Seriously? That’s the sell by date? I just bought the damn things! Rip off. And who dates anything with a Best Before label on it, anyway? Best before what? Best before the end of the world? Absolutely ridiculous.

3. Dates Live in Israel

Referring back to the above image, dates live in Israel. That’s just super if you live in Israel, but at Professional Moron we live in England. We’re not travelling all the way to Israel, dammit, we’re not a tourist package provider!

4. Dates Have a Stupid Forename

Could you, in all seriousness, date something with a forename like Medjool? How utterly pretentious! It’d be liked dating someone called Rupert, Barbara, or Tom Cruise (please don’t try and date Tom Cruise).

Call is anachronistic imbeciles if you must, but we prefer dating stuff with excellent forenames such as Jeff, Dave, You There, and, of course, Mr. Wapojif.

5. Dates are Arrogant

Dates are so arrogant they named themselves after the human term for courtship. Doesn’t this, quite clearly, indicate to you they’re a bunch of raging narcissists? We bet they’re all there, on Instagram, taking pouty Selfies and thinking they’re all marvellous. We’re not gonna take it!

The only solution to such behaviour is to not date a date. Which is exactly what we’re going to do, and if you don’t as well we’re reporting you to the police (also known as the pigs, but that’s pork and we’re not going there).