Exclusive Recipe: Onion Ice Cream!

Onion ice cream
It’s an onion. What could be better than to mix it into some ice cream?!

The great thing about ice cream is it doesn’t make you scream when you eat it. It’s not an agonising process is what we’re establishing here. It’s an enjoyable one (apart from the not enjoyable chronic obesity and artery clogging attributes associated with its consumption). Indeed, ice cream is from la-de-da land where everyone gets on just super and there is no evil.

Onion ice cream is the reverse of la-de-da land. It’s la-de-duh land. We mean “duh” as in it’s a bit stupid, but so what? Pot noodles are stupid and they sell like hot cakes! Writing of hot cakes, one never does come across hot cakes, does one? They’re always cold. They still shift off the shelves, though, which is why we believe onion ice cream will be an analogous hit (due to its coldness).

Onion Ice Cream

To make onion ice cream you’ll need some ice cream and at least a dozen onions. You’ll also need a blender, 10g of salt, 100g of sugar, 200g of butter, and honey. With this lot assembled, burst into tears as you peel and cut the onions. Pause every now and then to curse Professional Moron for getting you into this mess, as 12 or so whole onions means a lot of crying. Not since Leo copped it in Titanic have we cried so.

Regardless, you must chop the onions up. Then stick them in the blender (you can just blend them without cutting them up, but that’s foolish) and blend for all you’re worth! Whilst it’s blending (leave to blend for 10 minutes until the onions are a kind of liquid, or until the blender begins to overheat and starts spewing smoke and flames from itself), melt the ice cream in a pan and add in the salt, sugar, butter etc. into the vat of liquid resembles something from a body horror movie.

As this bubbles away nicely, add in the onion juice and leave to boil, spit, and froth in the pan for a good 15 minutes. Transfer the mess into a large container and freeze immediately. Not “Oh, I’ll wait for this awful creation to cool!” – get it in the freezer immediately. Leave it to set for a good three weeks, too, so that the gods won’t be too angered by what you’ve just done, you crazed SOB.

Omg… not looking forward to tasting this!

Relax, cretin, it’s one of our less terrifying recipes. Why? We guess all the salt, sugar, butter, and honey drowns out the intense onion overload we were expecting. This is mildly disappointing, but at least we won’t end up in court due to this one.

Ultimately, when one pushes the boundaries of food creation one is likely to hit a stumbling block. Today’s stumbling block is the onion. It’s not particularly designed for ice cream. It’s great with soup, kebabs, fry ups, shepherd’s pie, certain jams, Bovril, corn on the cob, and haggis, but not ice cream. How were we to know? We hit and miss sometimes. Blame society.


      • It was quite good but when I went back a while later to see if I could buy another tub there wasn’t any – it was a short ‘gourmet’ run by the same NZ company that also does peanut butter icecream and other slightly odd flavours, including chilli pepper. I tell you, we do things strangely on this side of the planet…

        Liked by 1 person

    • The thing about onions is they’re kind of… upsetting on the stomach. Eat a raw one (like I do all the time) and after a few minutes one begins to feel rather unwell. It’s a great way to miss work: “Sorry, I can’t attend work today as I have been eating raw onions.”


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