In Praise of Marshmallows (mushy gelatinous blobs from space)

Marshmallows
They’re either marshmallows or morbidly obese amoebas floating about the place.

Marshmallows, eh? These little fluffy things are made out of clouds (and a lot of sugar and artificial colouring) to make them bouncy, light, delicious, and extraordinarily bad for you. This is why we love them so. They’re brilliant, yet deadly – like shotgun wielding giraffes.

For legal reasons, marshmallows can only be created in marshland (hence the name), which is why companies have to go to such great lengths to block out the stench of mud and crocodile manure. Regardless of how polluted these things are, we love them and praise them with today’s post.

Wonderful Things About Marshmallows

Few of you will be able to remember when you tried your first marshmallow. If you claim to remember, you’re a goddamn liar and you should be bloody ashamed of yourself! With this in mind, let’s think about all the wonderful things about marshmallows.

Well… they’re really tasty. Mind you, we’ve noticed if you eat more than 30 of them in one sitting you’re liable to intense feelings of remorse, nausea, personal conflict, and colossal weight gain. Indeed, the marshmallow got the second part of its name from that horrifying affliction known as feeling mellow.

Indeed, the marshmallow got the second part of its name from that horrifying affliction known as feeling mellow. So, whilst marshmallows may fill you with glee upon sight of them, they are, in fact, prepared in malodorous marshland and have clinical depression. Not quite the marvel now, are they? No!

Still, on the plus side, they are mighty tasty. That’s our good old friend sugar again, I’m afraid. Is sugar the deadliest drug on the planet? Well… we think drinking a pint of paracetamol tablets (please don’t try this at home, kids!) is probably a tad more dangerous. It’d be awfully dry, too.

Roasted Marshmallows

To make up for being the most depressing sweet on Earth, there is a hobby we can all partake in to take away from gloom. Roasting marshmallows over a fire is one of the most relaxing activities for any human in the history of ever.

All you need is a fire (you can get one going with a tub of petrol and a flamethrower) and a bag of marshmallows – result? Gooey (unrelated to Zooey Deschanel) marshmallow loveliness. Wonderbar! Why it’s so lovely, you won’t even notice throwing up after you’ve eaten 45 of them in the space of 160 seconds.

You don’t have to just roast them, of course, you can pickle them as well. Some areas of the world are also known to attach 1,000 of the things together and use them as a life raft to escape hazardous regions such as marshland, which is ironic. If only Tom Hanks had access to some in the 2000 film Castaway. Then he and Wilson would have survived. Ho hum.

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