Our new Agony Aunt feature has been a big hit! We’re inundated with requests, but we can only help one of you intellectually stunted idiots a week. So be patient! If you absolutely have to, then resort to talking to your loved ones and solving your emotional issues in a sensible and mature way.
We mean, really, turning to a site called Professional Moron for assistance in life? What’s the matter with you?! Anyway, we’re glad you are contacting us because we have our egos to satisfy and we also like lecturing people. It’s a win-win situation for all concerned.
Dear Professional Moron. My husband is a wonderful man; he’s kind (he once gave a homeless man £3), generous (the aforementioned £3), charitable (again, the £3), sensitive (the £3 covers this), intelligent (£3 rather than £4 - financial genius there as he saved a pound), and he hates foreigners. BUT HE SNORES! It’s so loud the whole house reverberates... what can I do? I tried shoving a sock down his throat to quieten him down, but he ended up almost choking to death. Also, if I tell him to shut up, he wakes up and becomes really angry and yells at me saying he'll have another affair! For the love of God, help! Andrea
Hi Andrea! Snoring is a common cause of conflict in relationships and can be hugely disruptive, not least as it makes getting a good night’s sleep difficult.
We always encourage the least violent route to a solution on Professional Moron, but if this does reach a crisis point we recommend you do what big Chief Bromden does at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Have a fluffy smothering pillow readily available and a lightweight washing machine nearby at all times – then you can hurl it through your bedroom window and run out into the night accordingly.
If you’d prefer a less fatal route, it might be a good idea to discuss your problem openly with your husband. If he’s the great man you think he is, he’ll nod knowingly, utter soothing platitudes, and endeavour to snore less.
If he becomes violent, however, and threatens to have a love affair, you’ll need to take a different approach. We can heartily recommend bursting into a wild and hysterical fit, which can include screeching obscenities, slapping him across the face, and smashing up your home a bit. If he attempts to subdue you, simply kick him in the testicles.
This will highlight the pressing nature of the snoring problem. He will then get the matter sorted; there are many approaches he can take to achieve this, some of them less agonising than others.
Thankfully, due to the wonders of modern medicine, there are devices which can alleviate snoring, such as mandibular advancements splints and orthopedic pillows. The former will make him look stupid, so you can laugh at him as he cries himself to sleep.
There’s also an innovative, highly experimental procedure where the offender’s nose can be hacked off from their face. You can easily perform this at home with a sharp implement, such as a hedge trimmer.
Finally, if he refuses to cooperate on any level, you can sellotape his mouth shut whilst he sleeps. This should alleviate the snoring to some extent, and tearing the stuff off each morning will act as a time-effective way for him to shave.