Wild Rice: Just How Crazy is This Cereal Grain?!

Why is wild rice wild
Note normal rice in the top left, patiently awaiting consumption.

Wild rice, eh? You’ve no doubt seen this mentioned in products on supermarket shelves. It makes one envisage a farmer with a lasso charging around a large paddy field with huge, rampaging chunks of rice hurtling about the place on a berserk rampage. Pretty wild, eh?

Indeed, so why did wild rice get its name? Is it unfounded? The dictionary of Google defines “wild” as follows: “lacking discipline or restraint” and throws synonyms such as “undisciplined”, “uncurbed”, “uncivilised”, and “mental” at us. This seems out of character. Normally, rice is a lifeless foodstuff which cooks up a storm, but then foodstuff generators are saying this type is out of control? It doesn’t make any sense, so let’s clear up this mess.

Wild Rice: The Truth

At Professional Moron, we’ve met a few people in life who really struggle to properly cook rice. They struggle with it so much it makes them angry. Why? Rice is easy: boil water, add rice, cook for about 20 minutes (for brown rice). 10 for white. What’s bloody difficult about that?

Anyway, it’s our belief wild rice (being mischievous) sneaks into normal rice packets and condemns certain people to a fate of failing to cook rice properly. As afflictions go, it’s not the worst one ever. Ingrowing toenails are worse, for instance, or those people who grow a monobrow and lack the sense to shave the middle bit.

Is wild rice crazy

There are those who attempt to tame wild rice, of course, and some of them manage it successfully. Indeed, consumerist pig dog that you are, you’ve no doubt eaten some at some point. However, take a look at the image above – terrifying, isn’t it?

The fire you see in the top right of the rice paddy field was started by, you guessed it, a group of drunken, angst-fueled, insubordinate wild rice thugs. This kind of fire is commonplace for beleaguered wild rice farmers, who estimate there’s about $700 billion of wild rice-based damage every year due to the capricious fiends. That might be an overestimate, however, as math isn’t their strength. But then neither is keeping rice, apparently…

How to Tame Wild Rice

Whilst we’re tempted to suggested dropping an atom bomb onto offending wild rice paddy fields, this will no doubt be construed by the lefty, liberal, progressivist lunatics as too “drastic” or “mean”. What’s the world coming to when you could use a nuclear weapon so solve bizarre issues?!

Anyway, here’s our recommendation to rice paddy farmers in this quandary and suffering daily wild rice paddies: you need someone to tame the rice. Who do we recommend? None other than Condoleezza Rice – being English, we’re not entirely sure who she is, but with a surname like that we’re sure she can kick some wild rice butt!

Failing that… well, then perhaps we can simply focus on letting wild rice roam free on an island somewhere (like the dinosaurs who survived Jurassic Park), whilst humans can focus on good olf peaceful brown and white rice. Preferably brown, as it’s much healthier.


  1. Hahaha… Condoleezza Rice might do the trick! She worked for a prezident, you know. Would she have a canoe? I always thought canoes had something to do with wild rice.


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