Exclusive Recipe: Beef and Watermelon Pie

Watermelon recipe
Right, so how do you fit this thing into a pie?

Seeing as Are Pies Unhealthy? is one of our most read blog posts (which means it’s ranking well for that search term – clearly a lot of people want to know if pies are unhealthy, despite the answer being obvious), we decided to do another brilliant recipe involving the thing (pie).

As you can from the title, beef and watermelon pie is one of those depraved recipes which really makes you sit up and think. They may be thoughts of putrescence, but we can assure you this recipe is a mighty fine thing indeed. Let us convince you so, dear readers, with further insights and instructions.

Beef and Watermelon Pie

Okay, so for this you’ll need a couple of ingredients, namely watermelon and minced beef. You can use canned beef as well if you want, or if you’re a vegetarian/vegan use some of the meat-free equivalents. Whatever, we’re just trying to get watermelon into a pie here, you understand?

As most of you will know, the only safe way to cut open a watermelon is with a petrol powered chainsaw. Yours should feature an anti-vibration system, automatic chain lubrication, a double-acting chain brake, ergonomic handles, and at least a two year manufacturer’s guarantee. So long as you have this sort of contraption, you’ll be fine to decimate a watermelon.

Rev up you chainsaw, laugh maniacally, and proceed to hack at the thing like a crazed SOB. Maybe place your watermelon on something safe before you do this – we usually prop it on a chair we’re not overly fond of, as the chair will also be destroyed in your borderline psychotic onslaught.

After this, pick up the chunks of watermelon which you can use and add them to your pie base (just be lazy and buy a pre-made one from the store). Add your beef and stuff it all into the oven for an hour on a moderate heat – as it cooks, clear off and do something interesting, such as ageing slightly or picking your nose.

What in the Name of F…

Upon returning to the oven you will, like us, be surprised by the godawful mess which has been created. Indeed, the watermelon (being watery) will leak through the base of the pie and bring a lot of beef with it. This means the bottom of your oven will become a horrific mess.

Consequently, we recommend you put a bucket or container of some sort under the pie as it cooks (don’t use a plastic container – this causes other heat related issues, as we found out) so the innards can slop out safely into the bucket (we prefer this option as we don’t use our bucket for many things these days).

Once it’s finished cooking, you can then take the pie and your bucket from the oven. The wonder of this recipe is you can then either simply consume your pie from the bucket, or add the bucket contents back on top of your pie. Whatever you choose, you’ll agree with us this is one of the worst food combinations in existence. Truly, we have achieved greatness!


    • Tofu can go with anything, we all know that! A plastic bucket?! What!?!? Do you hang out at the beach building sandcastle or something, lady?! Lolz… yeah, I wish I could do that, too.


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