Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend never uses the bog brush!”

Bog brush advice
This is like Where’s Wally? but with bog brushes. Find it to win some self respect.

Once again we’re here with an Agony Aunt special, this time highlighting how many disgusting men and their disgusting stupidity and disgusting lack of self-awareness lead to disgusting bathroom incidents. That’s a lot of disgust!

Below, Barbara has rightly called out her husband for being a disgusting misogynist. We hope women around the world will also join us in our smear campaign against men who, well, smear the… this is getting a little too lavatorial for our liking. Let’s just help this poor woman out!

Bog Brush Belligerence

Hello Professional Moron! You have to help me. My boyfriend is an unspeakable bore and I find him quite loathsome, yet he’s so gorgeous and rich I can’t bear to leave him. However, one thing may cause me to file for divorce: he doesn’t use a toilet brush. Ever. I mean… he’s 35 and he can’t clean the thing. It’s utterly grotesque! It makes me want to grab a bog brush and force it down his stupid throat! What should I do? I need you're advice! You'res, Barbara

Hey, Barbs! Firstly, we should point out you can’t divorce your boyfriend as you aren’t husband and wife – unless you indulge in legal matrimony, you’ll simply have to leave him, which sadly includes missing out on the horrific and immensely costly ordeal of lengthy court appearances and the associated bitter acrimony.

Secondly, you need fundamental grammar lessons. “You’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are” and is the type of error only simple minded cretins make. If your husband is annoying you with his bog brush antics, think about how much you’re annoying him with your error-strewn online and mobile-based interactions. Unless, of course, he’s as ignorant as you and committing the same mistake. Anyway…

Bog Brush Etiquette

Let us all remember the bog brush (also known as a toilet brush) is not to be feared. It’s a household friend, akin to your pet dog, your oven, and your fridge freezer. It sits stoically beside your toilet and performs its duty with customary aplomb. Never be afraid to seize hold of it, for the bog brush is well versed in its daily destiny.

Copy and paste the above paragraph into Microsoft Word, print it off in big capital letters, and sellotape it above your toilet as a timely reminder. You could also repeat this mantra until you’ve memorised it verbatim, so you can reel it off like some sort of obsessive toilet psychopath. Maybe get it branded into your forehead as a tattoo, so whenever your boyfriend sees you he’s reminded of this most pressing situation.

Whatever route you take (we urge you to take the most disturbingly inexplicable and unnecessary measure), it’s important to hammer home the bog brush is not a hammer – it’s a brush. It won’t break the toilet, but merely leave it sparkling with effervescent joy.

Warning: For a Drastic Solution

Should he continue to fail you as a considerate boyfriend, we can suggest you “go mental” and weld or superglue a bog brush into his hand. He’ll be mightily irritated by this development, but do not panic, especially if he reports you to the local authorities.

If he does rat you out to the pigs, follow this course of action. Once they arrive to arrest you, fall to your knees sobbing hysterically. The coppers will begin questioning you, during which time inform them your boyfriend has hundreds of unpaid parking tickets. You’ll need to accrue these yourself prior to the glueing incident to act as empirical and tangible evidence, but it’ll work a treat.

This should help see him go to jail for several months, providing you with ample opportunity to dump him and hit the dating scene again. In subsequent dates, be sure to stress the overwhelming importance of bog brush etiquette to your man. Indeed, we can suggest texting him before meeting with our bog brush mantra from above to fully prime him for flirting and pedantic conversation about the pertinence of bog brushes. Best of luck!

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