Exclusive Recipe: Beans on Cake (with Deodorant)

Beans on Cake with Deodorant
Deodorant is an underused ingredient in many foods.

Beans on toast may be one of the best recipes ever, but why can’t baked beans spread their tomato juice based sauce joy elsewhere? Indeed, we’ve been thinking long and hard about the next great beans and something combination – we believe we have arrived at it!

Ladies and smelly man feet sorts, behold the almighty recipe: beans on cake (with deodorant). Truly, this one is going to redefine the way you view beans and cake. It’s one of the easier recipes of ours to make simply as you can buy any cake you want from your local store – the tricky bit is adding the beans and surviving the consumption of raw, 24 hour fragrance anti-perspiration deodorant. Read on for elucidation!

Health Warning

The survival part is certainly the most challenging element of this recipe. Deodorant may make one smell nice, but it is repugnant upon taste and liable to kill one in an instant. As with our Deodorant Sandwich recipe from 2014, we truly feel this is one of the great underused ingredients and should only be avoided if you’re a bloody sissy!

Let’s be clear right now, however: the avid inhalation and ingestion of aerosol deodorants can lead to aluminium toxicity, which may cause temporary blindness, insanity, high-pitched shrieking, and yodeling (not to be confused with high-pitched shrieking). The good news is, these are only temporary side-effects, unless of course you drop dead. That’s permanent, we’re afraid.

Regardless, have your favourite deodorant at the ready (even if it is one of those grotesque underarm ones which you rub on… gross) as you’re heading towards fine dining and no ungainly BO tonight!

Beans on Cake (with Deodorant)

What you do is open the baked beans tin and cook it up in a pan. Then take your cake, put it on a plate, and heave the beans onto the cake. The result? Pretty weird, depending on what cake you went for – we recommend chocolate cheesecake.

Of course, you can put the effort in if you want and bake a bespoke cake for the beans… but why bother? We mean, everything will be overpowered by the ferocity of the chemicals within your deodorant can. Stop wasting time, fool, and spray this liberally all over your meal and allow the ingredients to gestate amongst themselves.

After this, it’s simply about putting on a brave face and taking the mess head on. Don’t be afraid to suffer the odd uncontrollable panic attack whilst you’re doling the acrid unpleasantness into your face – it’s for the good of your health (or whatever) and the deodorant goodness will fend off BO from within your belly. Happily, it also causes hallucinations typically involving the cast of 1978’s Watership Down confronting you about your tax history. Seriously, it’s goddamn terrifying.

Incidentally, if you smoke, don’t light up whilst you’re around this meal. If you decide to ignore this advice, be prepared (in the event of a momentary fireball explosion) to utter a gasp of shock as you suffer singed eyebrows. Other than that, you’re golden! This is one of those rainy day recipes if you’re fed up of baking cookies, so enjoy and be safe!

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