Exclusive Invention: The PillOw (for those who detest sleep)

New pillow invention
The sooner you learn sleep is for morons, the better!

Two inventions in one week – we’re on a roll! It was the bath mutt the other day, but today it’s the turn of the pillOw, which takes the lovely pillow and turns it into a right evil SOB. Quite the subversive thing to do, right? We’re all about that here at Professional Moron! Indeed, our middle name is Professional Subversive Moron, which is just bloody idiotic.

Almost as idiotic as the pillOw, which we’ve invented for all of you out there who are utterly disgusted by sleep. Sleepism, as it’s know, is a prejudiced form of thought held by bigots such as high-powered business executives, 24 hour party people, undertakers, and beekeepers. This invention is for you, darlings, so enjoy, rush out and buy one, and make us stinking rich!

The PillOw

Putting it as simply as possible so our vacuous readership can understand, the pillOw is here to hurt you. Traditionally, pillows are stuffed with things such as feathers to provide a salubrious time of it so one can nod off into the world of beddy-bye land. The pillOw does the exact opposite.

We worked hard to determine what to stuff into the things, which required considerable experimentation with the Consumer Rights Act 2015 in mind. Apparently, something such as an outraged honey badger is “illegal”, so we’ve skimped on that and tried out numerous other insomnia-inducing artifacts.

The most successful to date has been soggy cornflakes. Seriously, you try and get to sleep if your pillow is full of soggy cornflakes, leaving your head covered in milk which is going increasingly stale with each passing second. It’s not possible!

Then we realised this is more disgusting than pain inducing, so we switched the cornflakes with shredded glass and left in the milk. Yes, it’s that famous combination of shattered glass with milk to leave you with a sore head and a grotesque stench in your lungs.

Jesus… I Am NOT Buying This!

If this is your reaction then so be it – you are not our target audience. We’ve already established who we’re going out to get, and at £100 ($200) a pillow, the very moment one of our sleep hating friends dips their head onto the pillOw… well, the high pitched screams of agony will have many people in the local vicinity up and about!

We’re not trying to be a menace to society. We’re simply looking for a get-rich-quick invention which will allow us to retire to some shed somewhere in Scotland, where we can live out our days shouting at locals and rushing arbitrarily into the street to fire a shotgun wildly into the air. Isn’t that the American dream?

Is the pillOw the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for? We will wait and see. Our marketing campaign could make or break it, which is why we’ve decided to break into peoples’ houses to replace their existing pillows with our invention.

Can you imagine the looks on their fatigue-stricken faces when faced with an axed-in front door and broken glass filled pillOws? We have hit the mother-load! It’s proactive marketing spearheaded by wanton breaking and entering. Huzzah!


    • We can recommend almond milk over “real” milk. We wouldn’t waste almond milk in the pillOw, though. If you MUST change the liquid, switch in some petrol and/or nuclear waste. Why not, eh?


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