As humans, we all enjoy sitting on cushions. Why? They’re comfortable, thusly ensuring your behind doesn’t become uncomfortable. However, many of us aren’t so fond of irons as they infer housework. Hmmm… if only there was a way to combine the two. Now there is! Thanks to the CushIron, you’ll have a comfortable, fluffy, and aesthetically pleasing cushion and iron all-in-one.
It’s nowhere near as dangerous as it sounds! The cushIron has been patented and tested by our highly trained cushion experts (who boast a combined total of 150 years’ experience sitting on cushions), and we’ve integrated a state of the art iron into the mix so you can double up with ironing your pants as you sit down. Better yet, this will cost you a mere £200 ($300)!
As you’d expect with this simple to use and intuitive product, it’s a cushion with an iron integrated (i.e. stitched) into it. The premise is simple – if you’re too lazy or tired to be bothered ironing, simply fire up your cushIron and sit your derriere onto it! Voila – you’ll iron your pants as you stuff crisps into your face and binge-watch Netflix.
To save time and money, we’ve set the heat setting for the iron to “Bloody Hot” and the device will also steam itself every 30 seconds. For those of you with a high pain threshold, this product is simply perfect. If this isn’t you, there’s a chance you may begin screaming in unbridled agony once the iron begins to sear your flesh. At this point, we recommend you stand up.
You can use the cushIron to do up your other clothes, of course. Simply pick it up and begin rubbing it over your body. You can use an iron board, if you so wish, but that takes too much effort. Simply grin and bear the intense pain of red hot steel and relish in the saved time you’ll benefit from. What do third degree burns mean, anyway, when you’ve got such an affordable and convenient product?
Numerous consumer rights organisations have pointed out this device may be a severe fire hazard. We’ve tested it extensively and only on several occasions did the cushion catch fire, spread uncontrollably, and lead to the total destruction of part of the Professional Moron test laboratory.
It’s with tremendous safety records such as this that we can confidently push the cushIron onto the ironing and cushion markets. They’re competitive industries, but our aggressive marketing campaign will confound our competitors and brainwash idiotic consumers into a purchase.
It’s a simple strategy – we’ll be using those YouTube ads which go on for 30 seconds and you can’t skip. Goddamn infuriating, right? Consumers will be forced to watch as Jeremy Irons (apt, huh?) informs them about how the cushIron will expel the misery of creased clothes from their existence. How could this possibly fail? Masses of cash awaits us!