This week we have a man who is having problems with a non-man. Indeed, it all pertains to football this time around and how his relationship is nearing red card status. My word! Can we save the day and get his relationship back on track? How the hell should we know?
Dear Professional Moron. I’m at a loose end. My girlfriend of 7 months, 1 week, 4 days, and 15 hours has landed a bombshell on me. She’s often polite and inoffensive, refusing to get involved in my drunken bouts of football hooliganism and random belching, but last month she admitted she “hates” football. I’m shell-shocked and devastated. My mates now laugh at me down the pub, dig their elbows into my ribs, call me names, and say she’s “a mental bird”. Oh god… what should I do? Dump the cow? Cheers! Dave.
Hi, Dave! It seems to us you’ve got quite an obsessive compulsive outlook on this relationship – you’re pedantically counting each hour, you goddamn freak of nature! This indicates the “cow” you’re dating means something to you, so perhaps try tuning down your overriding obsession with football and consider things from her perspective.
Alternatively, you could try other routes such as bribes. If you’re willing to slip her £50 a time, she’s sure to relent, begin attending matches, and will be throwing punches at other football hooligans before you can shout “the referee’s a w*&%@r!”.
Of course, emotional blackmail is another possibility. Steal her smartphone and inform her she’ll only get it back once she starts memorising recent football based news. This way, when she’s with your mates and you need her to impress, she’ll be able to drop humdingers such as: “I think Rooney’s hair transplant may have inadvertently swung the offside rule in our favour!”.
If these routes fail miserably, it’s almost time to acknowledge your incompatibility. However, there is one final course of action which could save your romantic endeavours. It’s experimental and based on one of our inexplicable whims, but we suggest you give it a go.
Don’t Have a Cow, Man!
The real irony here is you so obnoxiously label your girlfriend a “cow”, yet the colour scheme of a football is analogous to that of a cow. Perhaps your infatuation with football is inadvertently leading you to subconsciously associate football with moo cows – having the two around could potentially trigger some bizarre kind of mutual equanimity between bloke and woman.
The solution? Purchase a cow and keep it in your back garden. It’ll crap all over the place and trample your geranium patch up something rotten, but just think about that first encounter between it and your “cow”. She’ll come home from work, see the cow, nod knowingly, swoon, and begin copulating with you on the spot.
Another possibility is she’ll begin shrieking hysterically and repeatedly ask why there’s a cow in the back garden. This is your opportunity to inform her: “Look, doll, it’s me, the cow, and football, or it’s over! What’ll it be?”.
Her response to this question may vary, but we’re willing to bet you’ll be married within a week, have several sprogs on the go within a few years, and by 2035 you’ll be visiting them in prison after they’ve instigated another city-wide football riot. Best of luck, Dave!