Exclusive Invention: The Razer (like a razor, but filler activated!)

A razor invention
Every macho man needs a bit of chin defining razor action in his (or her) life.

Okay, so we’ve gone a bit invention crazy over the last fortnight, but we’re on a roll and expecting one of these bad boys to make us stinking rich. Plus, the razer is possibly the best invention we’ve ever come up with! It’s a voice-activated electric razor, basically, but it relies on language fillers to make the thing work.

“What’s a filler?” Fool! They’re utterances you use in conversation to ensure no one interrupts you, such as “you know”, “erm”, and “um”. The most famous of the lot surely has to be “er”, which is why simply muttering this hesitation will have the razer kicking into life like an outraged mule. It’ll even shred the hairs off a Hipster’s smug face before you can say “The Smiths”, so onwards to find out more, comrade!

The Razer

Voice-activated things aren’t uncommon. There are already voice activated toilets which respond to the bodily noises of grotesque human owners (we think – we may have daydreamed this one). You can talk to some of your smartphones and they’ll respond to you. Plus, if you have a vehicle, you say things such as “Phone home!” and you’ll promptly be abducted by aliens.

But no one’s bothered with razors, which many men use to shave the hair from their hairy faces (except for Hipsters, of course, who let it festoon like a radioactive Bearded Collie which has just been electrocuted). This is a missed capitalist endeavour… until now!

Indeed, Professional Moron is here with the world’s first voice-activated razor! As you know, it’s called the razer and men simply have to stand before a mirror as normal and let out a protracted “Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” to make the device work. It will switch off the minute you don’t say “er”, incidentally, so you’ll have to stand there doing that to get your stubble or close shaven look.

This Sounds a Bit Embarrassing

Look, mate, you’re a man. You’re always bloody embarrassing! The beauty of this device is it will help you come to realise it, especially when other people see and hear you using the razer and post hilarious videos to YouTube of you being an oddball.

The device will at least shave your face up nicely, with minimal grazes, only a few deep gashes, the odd scratch, and probably zero fatal wounds. This is thanks to our Smack II Turdo technology, which ensures the razors are, indeed, razor sharp!

The razer will also come equipped with safety words which can be shouted to make the razer perform other duties. Here are but a few of the commands:

  • “Ow!” – Should a male accidentally slice his neck and shout in pain, the device will spray 100% alcohol about liberally to disinfect the wound.
  • ARRGHHHHH!!!” – In the event of a life-threatening wound, the device will call 999 (or 911) and play soothing whale music as you gently exsanguinate.

That’s it, actually, there are only two additional commands. Don’t view this as an ominous portrayal of severe injury. Merely view it as an opportunity to get your buzz on and connect with modern society by being an annoying, overly narcissistic, excessively body hair obsessed human being.

4 comments

    • Admittedly, it is something of a problem. Injured consumers aren’t happy consumers. Perhaps I need to create something which will patch up old wounds… such as a giant talking bandage patch made out of TNT and margarine!

  1. I’m always intrigued by these clever inventions of Professional Moron’s. The “razer” sounds perfect, but will it do my legs, and other feminine body areas. If not, might you consider developing a “razher”?

    • Well a “razher” is getting a little too close to Frasier, who doesn’t have any hair these days due to male pattern balding. Sadly, this means you will have to resort to (as all other women must… we think) to using those strange wax pad things (as seen in Friends). Or have things moved on since then? I’m so confused…

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