As a community interest blog, we’re committed to assisting our readers with all manner of issues. Whether it’s an ingrowing toenail, marriage problems, back hair, or grammatical inconsistencies, we’ll guide you through your absurd existences with “incisive” advice.

Your Getting it Wrong!

Dear Professional Moron. My boyfriend is sweet and lovely and he has an enormous penis, but one thing he does is making me psychotically angry! He can't get it into his head the difference between "you're" and "your". Proper WTF! It's a pet peeve of mine, admittedly, but whenever I correct his text messages he goes, "dont be a grammer nazi babe" or "oh your 1 of them r u?" It's driving me GODDAMN MENTAL! Should I dump him?! Claire

Hi, Claire! Many people, such as ourselves, are frustrated by other peoples’ grammatical foibles. It can be annoying when someone makes an error of such glaringly obvious magnitude, but this doesn’t mean they’re stupid. It simply means they’re lazy ignoramuses with severe attention span issues.

Whilst some may baulk at such a statement, do bear in mind how you’d react if you met someone who added 2+2 together and ended up with a picture of a donkey. This is basic stuff everyone should know, so you’re quite right to berate your boyfriend. To solve the issue, we believe you can rely on your good old friend superfluous violence to save the day.

Violent Grammar Lessons

People such as your boyfriend can be taught about grammar painfully. It’s possible to do it peacefully as well, but as the issue is such a pressing matter we believe brute violence is the only way forward.

As a result, purchase a sharp implement (such as a toothpick) and jam it violently into his face whenever he makes an error. This pattern of “error equals pain” should make him deviate away from his error-stricken ways by adapting a terror-stricken outlook on grammar. So… it may leave him with severe psychological problems. Whatever, it’s not your problem.

Other Methods

You can also drive him insane by demanding you watch nothing but chick flicks over and over. You know the ones: Love Actually, Sex and the City, Sex and the City 2, Titanic, and the Last of the Mohicans. Have a girl-fest and just binge watch the bastards over and over, and then do the same with Orange is the New Black on Netflix.

This will drive your boyfriend utterly insane, to the point where he’ll start bitching about you to his mates behind your back. This frustration will reach fever pitch and he’ll (being a stupid, alpha male bloke – as are all men, subconsciously) confront you – this is your opportunity.

As he condemns your viewing habits, take a sharp intake of breath and then shriek at full volume: “IT’S BECAUSE YOUR AN IDIOT!” If he doesn’t immediately bow his head and sob uncontrollably whilst vowing to turn his life around, then the point has been lost on him. Game over, man. Game over! The relationship has run its course. Best of luck to you, Claire!