Oh, dearie us! This week on our agony aunt column we have a well-meaning but stupid man who can’t understand what is up with women. Our guess? Well, perhaps this man should take a bloody good long hard look in the mirror. You know, just to make sure he hasn’t got a Hipster beard.

“Is She Broken?”

Hi Professional Moron. I have an ongoing problem with my bird. She’s a good old doll and can cook up a Pot Noodle a right treat, but she keeps accusing me of being “sexist”. Right, I had to Google the definition and I’m confused. I treat her like a babe! I don’t go around punching her in the face or stealing her purse, I just demand she does all me washing, cooking, and generally treats me as her superior. I believe a man and woman should know their place in society! What the hell's wrong with her? Is she broken?! Ta, John.

Hi there, John. A brief scan over the annals of history will show you tradition is merely a makeshift human construct which, through its familiarity, can breed complacency, a sense of well-being, and (whether it’s erroneous or not) a feeling of social order. Once this structure inevitably begins to be subverted, it can cause those clinging to what may be archaic ideologies considerable distress, which may lead them to believe society is imploding due to dimwitted imbeciles pursuing human equality.

A fine example of subversion is when that Spice Girls song came out about zigzags and what women really, really, really, really want. Another example is when Miley Cyrus sticks her tongue out – believe it or not, this isn’t a grotesque medical condition! She’s simply sticking it to society. Indeed, there’s also Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby putting on her swank and beating up other women to live out her dream.

Whichever way you want to look at it, John, women’s liberation has had an extremely positive impact on society and those with traditional beliefs must acknowledge that now even a woman can now do often pointless stuff like climbing Mount Everest, robbing banks, and yodelling. It’s your job to educate yourself and stay with the times, otherwise your “bird” will leave you in favour of a more liberal man bloke.

Man Up!

Whether you like it or not, we’re going into a big mansplain here, for the modern man has to embrace equality and his feminine side. Buck your ideas up, laddie! Whilst a razor sharp wit is important, a razor sharp razor blade is also salient in order to remove one’s Hipster beard and embrace more decent things such as lifting weights for that hot bod (that’s not a typo, that’s youth vernacular), grunting, and tripping over your stupid big man feet.

You need to win back her heart! You can do this is two ways. Either you go to her place and stand outside with your iPhone on maximum volume playing that Titanic song, or you can man up by being less of a man. Start wearing lipstick, switch from beer to Lambrini, and flirt openly with men in front of her.

This will convince her that you’re all man and that it’s time to buckle down and engage in wedlock. Once you’re shacked up, you can abandon your husbandly duties, gain a lot of weight, watch too much TV, and clog your toilet at strategic moments when she’s in the house. Best of luck, John!