Exclusive Recipe: Chicken, Mushroom, & Lice Soup!

Chicken, Mushroom, and Lice Soup
Adds some serious crunch to your soup!

Ah, chicken, mushroom, and rice soup. What a legendary soup it is! It’s so famous that even the Queen doffs her tiara upon mention of this most fabled of soup recipes – truly, it’s a marvel beyond even the monarchy’s comprehension. As such, tampering with the recipe is tantamount to treason and would have, 200 years back, gotten the Professional Moron staff hung, drawn, and quartered.

Of course, lice were commonplace in t’olden days. All you needed to do was rummage through someone’s skull and you’d find a small army of them. Now we have proper shampoo and conditioner, though, most lice have died off. To save them from extinction, lice enthusiasts grew lice farms on the fringes of society and maintained their deranged lice addictions out there. Thankfully for us, these things have been able to  fuel our latest recipe. Hurray!

Chicken, Mushroom, and Lice Soup!

Chicken is, of course, de rigueur with food, in the same way with frothing at the mouth is de rigueur with lunatics. You can’t have one without the other, but you’ll find many lunatics who will appreciate our chicken, mushroom, and lice soup! Indeed, they’ll even be able to add their own lice to the pan (all lunatics have lice – just ask our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif).

Mushrooms, on the other foot, are somewhat more less commonplace. There are those tedious fussy eaters who have a childish meltdown the moment you put some vegetables in front of them, with mushrooms considered the work of the devil by many. Goddamn freaks of nature!

Lice, on the other eyeball, aren’t typically used as a foodstuff unless one is stranded on a mountain somewhere. However, there’s nothing essentially wrong with eating the things. They won’t kill you (unless they’re radioactive), plus they add a wriggling, effervescent sheen to your soup!

Taste Test!

Chicken, mushroom, and rice soup is legendary… chicken, mushroom, and lice soup is okay. To be honest, you don’t even notice, or taste, the lice as you’re too busy being alarmed about the wriggling sensation going on in your mouth. Don’t worry, it’s not maggots! It’s just head lice.

The rest of the stuff is up to you. This being soup, you need at least 10g of salt in there. The chicken, well, just throw some chicken nuggets into a pan seeing as they’re not even chicken but, whatever, we’re not even going there. As for the mushrooms – just steal some from your local supermarket! Or fork out the 90p for them. It depends how poor you are.

Fry this lot together in a pan (minus the lice), then add the lice to the bowl of soup you pour the pan contents into. So, voila, there is your excellent meal! Throw a heaping load of sugar on there and it actually tastes rather marvellous. Who’d have thunk it, eh? Another successful recipe completed (just don’t let the lice run loose, otherwise you’ll catch them and be forever dubbed a weirdo).


  1. Yay! ⭐
    Another of your special recipes that confirms my vegetarianism, and I consider both chicken and lice to be in the animal column. As a matter of fact, having read this recipe, I am now moving mushrooms into that column.
    I do however, congratulate you on creating a recipe that cannot be improved upon… with a chainsaw or flame thrower!


    • Mushroom soup is just about the best ever, so you can leave the chicken and lice if you so wish. Perhaps chuck in some marmite or extra salt for seasoning. The more salt the better. I had a 50g salt per 100g soup once and went blind for a week. It was great!


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