Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m attracted to bad boys but keep getting hurt!

Why bad boys are popular with women
Zomg, he’s so dreamy!

Bad boys, if you’re unaware, are social irritants who clog the airwaves with odious behaviour. Usually rap music fans, or just womanisers, they behave with utter contempt for all (except themselves, naturally) which is, apparently, remarkably attractive for some women. Such as today’s victim, who needs help with her man picking attributes.

Bad Boys

Look, I don’t read your stupid blog but I want to stay under the radar, so I’ve turned to you. The old belief is women are attracted to bad boys. I feel I speak for the entire female human species when I say this is correct. I don’t know what it is about bad boys, but I find it exhilarating to be treated like crap all the time. I’m 30 now, though, and my mother is saying: “Lucy, why haven’t you settled down with a nice man yet?” and I’m all, “Fuck you, mummy kins! I’m an ADULT and I make my own decisions, poopy features!” and then I have a 3 hour temper tantrum. She’s right, though… I need to kick the bad boy habit, find myself a Knight in Shining Armour (or at least a Prince Charming), and have 17 screaming kids. Do you have any suggestions? Cheers – Lucy

Hello there, Lucy. The bad boy phenomenon is nothing new. Women are often attracted to psychopaths, weirdoes, freaks of nature, hooligans, and dribbling maniacs simply as they’re much more interesting than normal men. Indeed, who would you rather date – Clive the accountant who wears a suit and enjoys mainstream music, or upcoming gangster rapper White Willy who drinks 20 cans of coke a day, gargles cocaine, snorts porcupine crap, and doesn’t wear a seatbelt when he’s driving?

Exactly, White Willy is a total dreamboat because he’s exciting. With him, women don’t know when he’ll head off into his next psychotic, narcotics-induced frenzy – now that’s living! With Clive? Nothing but fancy Excel skills, conversations about profit margins, and in bed for 10pm after an affectionate peck on the cheek and a nauseating “I love you, darling”. Boring bastard!

Knight in Shining Armour

So you want to ditch the bad boys? Well, you’ll need a knight in shining armour! Only certain men are capable of affording, wearing, and moving about in their shining armour. You can spot them in the street as groups of youths stand around pointing at them and throwing eggs and chips in their faces. With stoic reserve, the knight in shining armour will make his way towards the woman of his dreams, sweep her off her feet, and get her into the kitchen to bake stuff.

So, Lucy, when you’re out and about in society, keep a close eye out for any such individuals. They’ll be sweating profusely and breathing heavily from all the effort involved, but this is your chance – swoop on in with a bottle of water or towel to save him from his posturing. Thusly, once he’s been rushed to hospital to recover from dehydration, he’ll return to whisk you off your feet! It’s how modern romance blooms, ’tis true.

Prince Charming

If you can’t find yourself a knight in shining armour then a Prince Charming will do. These men can be found in the upper echelons of society, sipping at a glass of Sancerre and judging working class people. Tall, dark, and handsome, they can be found frolicking in bars but, typically, will only go for specific types of women (“dead fit” etc.).

You can tell a Prince Charming over your average male as these are the ones who don’t get drunk, steal traffic cones, and puke on your floor upon arriving home. Prince Charmings are ideal for most women as they can string sentences together without dribbling or swearing, the latter condition being particularly prevalent in bad boys. Thusly, take your pick wisely, Lucy, to break free from the shackles of bad boyisms!

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