One of the colossal design flaws of the traditional tea pot is the size – within its confines the thing can’t even hold a litre of water. This is rubbish. Tea drinkers, consequently, have to make do with only around three or four cups of tea before having to fire up the kettle again. What is this Medieval tea-based horror we must all face on a daily basis?!
Previously, our very own esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, used to heat multiple kettles at once and have at least three tea pots of tea ready for his tea drinking sessions. Realising this isn’t environmentally draining enough, he had an epiphany the other day. “What about a TEA PIT!” he bellowed and, lo, it came to pass and our latest invention was invented.
The Tea Pit
Tea is tasty (or should that be as follows: tea-sty!) and sometimes you just want plenty of the stuff, which is why a pit is pretty useful. Why, with a giant pit at your disposal it’d be tremendously easy to keep an enormous vat of tea on the go at all times. Indeed, you’d be set for life (until the tea runs out again, of course, so not set for life at all, but we’re trying to sell this thing to you).
To create this pit, we headed out of the Professional Moron office for once and into the nearby park. We didn’t ask the council for permission as we’re special and don’t need stuff like that – with our spades (and the odd stick of dynamite), we were soon able to blow a big chunk of the park to smithereens and scoop the hole into a nice pit-like shape.
After this, to try and calm down the terrified park visitors (and to stop the cops, who’d arrived by then, from arresting us) we began emptying bottles of water into the pit. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, then drew forth his flamethrower and began heating the water in the pit.
This last bit only seemed to make things worse and Mr. Wapojif was promptly arrested (again). Professional Moron was subsequently sued by the local council for damage to public property, to which we told them to “stuff off”. All this legal wrangling is ongoing, but we’ve certainly not given up on the tea pit yet and encourage you all to make your own!
We intend to get a celebrity endorsement to help ensure our tea pit gets the funding it deserves. We approached Brad Pitt about attending the opening ceremony but he declined, so we went to William Pitt the Younger’s descendants to see if they would join us (it was a resounding “no”). If you know of any celebrities who will help us out, please get them to send us lots of money to fund a world-class lawyer. As soon as Mr. Wapojif is free, we can get this ball rolling!
Pit bulls, pitted grapes, and Brad Pitt – what a ceremony it would be!
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No. I need to contact Bury Council.