Exclusive Invention: Volatile Spoon Fireworks Eating Implement!

Spoon Fireworks
Imagine this, just less pretty and requiring a trip to a hospital.

Spoons are fairly substandard products, despite their usefulness. Who, exactly, thinks fondly of spoons? One simply sneers at them in disgust as you spoonfeed yourself like the stupid baby you are! Want some serious eating implements? A spork or chopsticks are the only way forward or, failing this, your bare fists work a treat in driving foodstuffs into your mush. It hurts, but then treat that beating as a lesson in life.

Of course, it’s all a lot easier now thanks to our latest invention. Now, we admit “Spoon Fireworks” isn’t the most inventive name ever, but we’re not leaving anything to the imagination here – it’s clever marketing. This product is a perfectly adequate spoon, but it’s also a firework crammed full with enough TNT to leave a small crater in the Earth. Hurray!

Spoon Fireworks

Add some fireworks to your life (and breakfast) with some actual fireworks. Enjoy the thrill of near decimation as you set your spoon firework alight! You’ll then have to rush like bloody crazy to cram your cornflakes into your mug before the spoon detonates, leaving you with an immediate need to rush to a hospital. Hey, at least those cornflakes won’t go soggy!

Naturally, the product is intended to be dangerous and, consequently, there’s a legal age limit for correct usage. Indeed, you must be over the age of 18 to use this product and you’ll need proof of ID to get your grubby mitts ahold of them. Of course, you could also simply strap a firework to the side of a spoon to replicate our product, but then you won’t quite have the same authentic Professional Moron incompetence.

The safety of our customers is paramount, of course, which is why there are certain safety features we’ve built in. For a start, the spoons are made out of lead and asbestos to ensure they’re sturdy enough to not fall apart. Additionally, the firework contains hallucinogenic gases which causes any pain induced by the explosion to be nullified. What a trip!


It’s all about the visual feast, though, along with your dining feast. When the spoon firework goes off (make sure you stand back – it helps if you have a kitchen big enough to do so), it’ll shower masses of bright lights and flames all over your home, incinerating many objects in the process.

Your home may, of course, catch fire due to this. If such a situation does arise, do not panic. Simply reach for your fire extinguisher and douse the flames. You can panic insanely as an alternative, but we can recommend a level head in such situations.

Obviously, being in confined quarters, the catastrophic “kaboom!” within your home will be pretty deafening, so maybe wear earmuffs or something. All in all, though, this product will make your fatigue-ridden breakfasts all the more startling (in a good way), as well as terrifying burglars off and ensuring you have regular kitchen makeovers (just make sure you’re rich enough to do this, otherwise you’ll have to live in a charcoal, scarred home forever).

Dispense with some gibberish!

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