Sparkling water has been called “too sparkling” by concerned Food Standards Agency (FSA) officials in the UK. The product, famous for being all bubbly and weird tasting compared to normal water, is now being dumbed down so that it resembles a bottle of warm, flat Coca-Cola.
Infuriated sparkling water companies intend to fight back, however, with a violent leaflet campaign designed to “make the great British public realise they’re stupid cretins who don’t know good taste when it’s even handed to them in a bottle.” The FSA refused to comment as of last night.
As of this morning, however, the evidently hungover (or, you know, he just looks like that all the time, which is unfortunate if it is so) head of the FSA (who wishes to remain unnamed… or we just couldn’t be bothered looking him/her up – whatever) told the gathered journalists in a press conference:
“Sparkling water is trying too hard. It thinks it is champagne. It is not. It is sparkling water and it should know its place in society, but we, increasingly, have evidence of how working class yobbos are turning to the drink for light refreshment purposes. This state of affairs must end immediately! The working classes are only allowed to drink beer, cider, tap water, and budget cola. That is all I have to say on the matter, other than how all the sparkling water companies must now pay for this debacle with a dumbed down flat sparkling water which will turn off consumers and lead to businesses shutting down and lots of unemployment. Ha. Hahahahaaaa!”
This statement was followed by howls of protests from the journalists, many of whom had been casually sipping on the free sparkling water provided for the conference. Before they could down their drinks, however, heavyset bouncers stormed the conference, seizing and smashing all sparkling water bottles and any glasses which appeared to be containing liquid. The day was dubbed by the Sun as “The biggest disaster in the history of mildly frothing liquids.”
As of Q2 2017, all sparkling water companies must remove the sparkle from their water, leaving in its place a, sort of, placid thing which is gross and leaves an aftertaste like an ice cube filled with plain white bread. Consumers, upon consuming the product, will likely spit it out in disgust/dismay before remarking “This is ****!”, thusly triggering off the decline of this once popular beverage.
It’s not all bad news, however, as this shift will make regular tap water (one of the most boring drinks on Earth, unless you’re really dehydrated, as then it’s suddenly transformed into the best thing ever) taste like the best thing ever. This is good for tap water production companies, such as United Utilities in the UK who, it’s believed, grows fresh water in giant holes in the ground by melting ice cubes stolen from pubs. At least, this is how we think water is made. What do you think?