The UK government will try to live up to its name from 2018 onwards with dozens of scheduled mint-based initiatives. It is believed unelected Prime Minister Theresa May, who recently announced she would like to legalise fox hunting (the upper-class toff), thinks mints don’t play a big enough part in political life. Now, with help from several leading toothpaste companies, the UK is set to be besieged with revolutionary minty laws.
May was criticised earlier this year for stating God will guide her through Brexit negotiations – now it has become apparent she believes mints hold the answer. May, who, disappointingly, was born in October, repeatedly took breaks from today’s press conference to gargle mint flavoured mouthwash to demonstrate her point of view, leaving some journalists drenched in mouthwash spittle from their overlord’s open, gargling gob.
During her press conference, unelected Prime Minister Theresa May said (allegedly – we weren’t invited and our source, a drunken tramp who stumbled into the talks by accident, may not be trustworthy):
"It is time for government to govern mints, as is indicated in our official title. For too long there have be no mints at all involved in parliamentary decisions, which is why I am stipulating the need for fresh mints, mouthwash, toothpaste, After Eights, and mint leaves to be present all day, every day on the premises. This will ensure nobody stinks the place up a bit, but will also fuel the legion of new policies which are sure to leave younger generations as financially screwed over as always. As today's youth say - 'Gosh, that is mint!' [she cackles insanely]."
May was criticised by fellow MPs for her minty plans, with some suggesting she is reading far too phonetically into the noun “government”. May, with trademark steely wit, immediately quipped: “Well… I’m renowned for my minty breath freshness, and so should all of you clowns!” – there were several instances of forced, dry chuckling amongst assembled journalists.
To spread her message to the masses like a contagious rash in a chlorine-free swimming pool, May has procured a £500 million budget to run an extensive advertising campaign. Boasting the tagline Mints iz Mint (to connect with the youth generation, you see), wealthy government officials will walk the streets of city centres handing out free mints to pathetic underlings (i.e. citizens).
May believes this will help the population “freshen up its act” in order to overcome several overwhelming economic slumps of recent years. Critics, such as Labour’s much maligned Jeremy Corbyn (who, famously, hasn’t had a bath in 35 years), have poured scorn on May’s plans. Corbyn is believed to have said of Mints iz Mint:
"Whilst I like mints and fully support the initiative for mints to be everpresent, omnipotent, equidistant, and paternal to our social structure (and I include working class scumbags in this assessment), I also believe May's minty montage isn't the idealist... erm... ideal she may have idealised. Yadda yadda blah, insert witty postmodern aside, pause for laughter, bow politely, and then leave the stage."
Corbyn’s comments have, understandably, only added to the mint-based confusion. May is unrepentant, however, and even added an extra £200 million to her marketing initiatives as we closed for press.
When quizzed by a Guardian journalist about whether this was a waste of money, a visibly tired and shaken May (after a long day of standing about talking) simply shrugged her shoulders and said: “When this goes to print, I shall send you a mint”. Gosh! The Professional Moron office eagerly awaits its own free minty fresh loveliness from Mrs. May!