Agony Aunt: “HELP! My kids are snowflakes!”

Snowflake generation
Bloody snowflakes.

For older generations looking down at younger generations taking selfies and complaining about all manner of mental health disorders and attempting to forge a life in a barren, post-recession society where minimum wage is about as good as it gets, it can all get a bit infuriating. This is why someone kindly invented the term “snowflake” to describe a generation which is full of bloody pansies. Damn straight! These youths don’t know they’re born… but, what if one of your kids is a snowflake?


Hello, Professional Moron. My kids is snowflakes. Don't know how it happened but it has. Upstanding, hard working guy like me who's never done and put a foot wrong in life (except for five divorces and a cheating disposition) and now all four of me bloody kids is bloody snowflakes! What did I do to deserve this?! Two of them pretend they can't get a job and are on dole, and the other two are in college and complaining about "anxiety" and "depression"! LOL! ROFLMAO! Like... yeah?! When I were a lad, me dad used to thrash me with a belt for so much as having a 10 minute lie in. What's happened to the world with all these bloody snowflakes?! It's all this progressivism and feminism things it's making people bloody soft. I need to toughen me kids up. What do I do? Ta - Dave

Hi there, Dave. It’s true kids these days are as soft as a big pile of pillows and it’s, probably, due to a lack of discipline (undoubtedly brought about by these liberal times). It’s such a shame there’s not been another World War to teach them about hellish destruction and severed limbs flying through mid-air to toughen them up with PTSD.

The only way to get your kids into cold-blooded killing machines (or, simply, functioning members of society who don’t cry every 30 seconds) is to apply what is known in psychology as “tough gloves”. With these gloves, your kids will be able to get involved in all manner of scrapes without shredding their precious fingers or nails. Thusly, once their snowflakery subsides, they’ll be able to take their gloves off and use their bare knuckles for bar room brawls, punch ups over women, and/or football riots.

Tough Gloves

If you have sons, you’ll need to put them through a rigorous training schedule to shape them into a new generation of guys who use a topless picture on their Facebook account. Women love such narcissism, so it’s time to turn your boys into men – to do this, wake them at 4am each morning by pouring a kettle full of boiling hot water onto their beds. After this, make them run 10 miles – once they’re back, beat them mercilessly with your fists. After two months of this, they’ll be as hard as nails!

If you have daughters, stick them in a cooking class as prep for life in the kitchen. Now, we’re not trying to reinforce archaic gender roles here at Professional Moron, but we kind of are. As we know from historical records, society was perfect before women’s lib and other oppressive upheavals – everyone knew their place and the world functioned without any hitches (except for two World Wars in the space of two decades, racism, sexism, homophobia etc.) at all!

From Snowflake to Avalanche!

Based on the above guide, you should be able to transform your children into toughened, 1000 yard stare sporting, emotionally stunted, well-rounded individuals. The trick is to try and teach the rest of society to follow suit, which is tricky, and there aren’t any tricks to make it happen overnight.

The key to happiness and upward societal mobility is to ensure everyone is, subconsciously, unhappy with the restraints enforced upon them – bear this in mind, as it’s for your kids’ own good. Thrash the snowflake out of them and watch them transform into an avalanche! Yes, that may sound corny, but it’s either this or the collapse of western civilization due to feminism!


  1. OMG! There is such a thing as the Snowflake Generation! What happened to millennials? These generations are whizzing by at breakneck speed.
    The only thing I can think of is to leave them out in the yard in the sun, & lock the door. Soon they will melt, and water the lawn. Now they are useful.
    I like your though Glove idea. Will you be marketing Tough Gloves?


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