Agony Aunt: “HELP! I need more chat up lines to use on hot birds!”

The best chat up lines for men
“So I says to her: ‘Sup, babe? I stole these flowers from an old lady’ and she were all, ‘You total pig dog!’ and I were, like, ‘Chill out, bae, why you so cray?!”.

Cripes. One of our previous Agony Aunt, er… “contestants” (is that the right phrase?) has gotten back in touch and isn’t happy.

It turns out our advice in I’m having problems chatting up hot birds! wasn’t good enough.

He wants more help and we feel a bit guilty, so we’re assisting him with a few more tips on how to bag top totty with vomit inducing quips.

Chat Up Lines R Us

Professional Moron - WTF!? You guys really live up to your name! LOL! You guys sold me a dud and I ain't not happy at all. Since you "helped" me out in January, I've used 5,631 chat up lines (yes, I counted) and none of them have worked. Especially not yours! Your chat up lines got me slapped a total of three dozen times. You call yourself the experts!? You call yourself the purveyors of dating advice?! I want answers! NOW! Brian

Hi there, Brian. We sincerely apologise – our esteemed editor, Mr Wapojif, cried himself to sleep last night upon hearing of your plight.

As compensation, he’s slaved away all day just for you working on what we believe are the greatest chat up lines since time itself began.

They haven’t been tested yet, but they’re free of charge and, should they fail, you’ll receive a months supply of Greek yoghurt from us – on the house!


As a precursor to the chat up lines, we must once again clarify the importance of “babe” in your general chatting up mode.

If you don’t use “babe” then women will not pay any attention to you as they’ll think you’re not attempting to woo them.

“Babe”, however, ensures they are aware of your interest – from then on, it is down to your chivalry and wit to snare them in your manly trap. Grunting, scratching yourself openly, and picking your nose are also attractive habits.

Do bear this in mind with the free chat up lines below, Brian, as you will stumble at the first block unless you’re able to babe it up a notch.

Perhaps listen to Justin Bieber’s hit single Baby, and watch the 1995 hit film Babe, repeatedly to really get this point nailed into your brain matter.

Consider the other options mentioned above to work together a killer combination: grunt, drop in the “babe”, scratch yourself, chat up line, wink, pick your nose, and wrap it up with a belch. Variate this formula until one female finds it attractive. Best of luck, dude!

The Chat Up Lines

  • Hi babe. If you were horse manure, you’d be a nice smelling variety of it.
  • Hey babe [Editor’s note – aim for a lingering “hey”, due to the demands of polite society, ensures the woman cannot walk off], if you were a hangover you’d be a really good one without any vomiting or anything.
  • Hi babe. I put the toilet seat down, did you know that?
  • Hello babe. Did you know you look as good as a lineup of condiments in a pub? I just think it’s good to ketchup with you, babe. Babe? Hello? Babe? Babe?
  • Hiya babe. Have you ever seen a grown man lift a car? I’ll do it right now [Editor’s note – ensure there is a car nearby, otherwise you will look foolish] – watch! [Find the nearest car and lift it up – if you are incapable of lifting cars, please do not try this chat up line].
  • What’s up, babe? Get your smartphone, you’ve pulled. [Editor’s note: This is the contemporary equivalent of the “get your coat” line which will, we’re positive, prove your suave sophistication in an instant].
  • Hello babe! I may have a micropenis, but at least I’m into micromachines! [Editor’s note: Only use this one as a last resort. Please ensure you do have a micropenis being commencing with this line].
  • Hey babe. I did this rap for you. Listen: Heads up! I fink I is in love wit’ you, ‘cos I’m a bit like you, even dough I ain’t no fool, not dat I is sayin’ you is, but it’s like buyin’ a bucket of fizz (i.e. champagne), it makes you need to wizz, and I is sure you is a spizz (i.e. spinster). [Editor’s note: Feel free to do a beatbopping frenzy at this point, or if you forget the lyrics].

Dispense with some gibberish!

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