Agony Aunt: “How do I ditch this zero and find myself a hero?!”

Ditch that zero and find yourself a hero - like Superman
Zomg he’s dreamy… a bit hairy, though.

Men are like peacocks – they love to strut their stuff on the dancefloor, at work, in pubs, in bars, when out for a jog, or on the internet. Such is the overriding male desire to appear like hot stuff, if they aren’t getting the attention they feel entitled to, then they’re off indulging in drunken football riots to shake the system up. However, some men can’t find the right balance and end up being douchebags. How does one remove such an individual from one’s life?

Ditching a Zero

Dear Professional Moron. My name is Alice. My boyfriend is pretty cool and pretty and a pretty decent guy. I would say I love him but not as much as I could not love him, so I need to dump him. How do I do this? I'm not bothered about hurting his feelings, I just need to make sure he stops turning up in the general vicinity where I am. Cheers - Alice

Hi, Alice. Dumping men is easy as they’re often dumb and emotionless. Once dumped, it usually takes your average male a good fortnight to realise he is no longer dating you – we’ve called this the Lingering Lump stage, as men can be equated to a worthless lump of putrescence. Anyway, here’s a list of ways to get rid of that git!

How to Dump a Man

This is what we’ve dubbed the Stairway to Hunk dating trick and it comes in two stages – this is the first. We could have put more thought into the name, but we’ve been too busy successfully dumping men to notice – you hear? Get the gist? Take heed, woman – choose wisely from one of the five following possibilities, although feel free to mix and match them at your leisure (a bit of 1 merged with 3 works a treat).

1. Throw his stuff into the street

Yeah, it’ll be just like you’re one of the kickass girls from Sex and the City! Just grab his shit and chuck it into the street! Bye bye, bastard!

2. Gradually begin dumping things on him as a means of subliminal messaging

If you start dumping things on him over the course of several weeks, he may begin to get the message he is, essentially, a skip to you: a cold, bleak, steely thing which has served its purpose. Begin by dropping things like eggs and rotten vegetables on his head, before moving to large items such as those soups you can get in plastic tubs, or tubs of margarine or butter. Bruised and battered, he’ll (possibly) get the idea after you have several mentally draining rows about your behaviour.

3. Bulldoze his house

Kind of like #1, but you’ll need a bulldozer and a willingness to end up in jail. It depends how annoying he is, really. Maybe get a few bulldozing lessons before demolishing his house so you can thrash it to its very foundations.

4. Tell him it’s you or the bog

It’s unacceptable men have to use the toilet, so lay down an ultimatum: it’s you or the bog. “What bog?” may be his first response, but explain to him (remember how unintelligent he is? Lay it on like he’s a dumbo) about how he must spend more time with you. If he asks why this should be the case, shriek in tinnitus inducing tones: “BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN THE BOG!” – you go girl! Relationship over.

5. Start bringing other men home

It may seem like a horrible thing to do, but so what? Just start bringing guys home every night – whoever you find in the street, really, whether it’s a morbidly obese guy called Dave or an acne-ridden 18 year old called Biff. This steady line of gentlemen, whom you will make out with in front of your confused boyfriend/husband, will ensure he is dumped fairly promptly.

I Need a Hero!

Now that business is taken care of,  it’s time for stage two. You need a hero – a Knight in Shining Armour, Prince Charming, or dude who doesn’t dribble on himself. Heroes don’t just grow on trees, unfortunately, and guys really like dribbling, but you should be able to find heroes hanging out on street corners wearing hoodies and saying things like: “Aiiiie, geeze, I shoot ya ass wiv ma gun wot wiv da fing yew juzz sed aiiiiiieeee!” – dreamboat! Yes, go gangsta. Bag yourself a barely intelligible chav and you’ve snagged the man of your dreams – he’ll happily gun down any of his bros to defend your honour. That is a hero.

2 comments

  1. It’s me or the Blog? Of course I choose the Blog. He should, too. If he does not choose the blog I will design a hideously disgusting Art Gown dedicated to his as*&%ln$@s. So there!

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