Exclusive Invention: The Fire Alarm Belt

The Fire Alarm Belt
Strap that to your midriff and you’ll be sorted!

Ever wanted to be safer? Ever thought: “Gee, I wish my belt would offer something other than simply stopping my trousers from falling down”? Ever wanted to ensure, if you did catch fire, to be informed about this development immediately? This is the genius of the fire alarm belt, which condenses a belt into your stomach area (as per normal) with a fire alarm to ensure you can warn yourself, and others, of a fire in the local vicinity.

This is stylishly accomplished with the fire alarm belt, which is priced at £100 ($200 in the US – sorry, Americans, but you’re richer than us in the UK so you have to pay more) and is equipped with real leather, an easy to use belt clip, and a state of the art fire alarm with either an electronic or bell-driven warning signal. Never catch fire unexpectedly again – with the fire alarm belt, you’ll lead a healthy, hearty, and third-degree burn free existence!

Fire Alarm Belt

The plan with the fire alarm belt is to make the fire alarm aesthetically pleasing – fire alarms aren’t considered desirable, and wouldn’t be used for making one desirable, which is what we’re getting at. For shame. For… shame! The fire alarm is one of the best inventions since the smoke alarm and should be celebrated as a product which keeps you alive as, let us not forget, there is nothing hotter than being alive.

Simply put, this product is a fire alarm on a belt. When you put the belt on, you are, essentially, protecting yourself from a raging inferno. To do this, the fire alarm emits a loud noise in the event you catch fire – loud is good. Now, bearing in mind a sound above 85 decibels (dB) can result in hearing loss, we’ve gone for a healthy (and hearty) 100 dB high pitched shriek.

Thusly, if you be near a naked flame or indeed, be blazing away merrily without realising it, the fire alarm belt will let you know and all will be well. Admittedly, it didn’t have to be that loud but, you know, what price on human life? What cost for your safety? What financial need to ensure you can go about your day without being immolated? Exactly. The belt will be available in stores this Christma. As Jim Morrison crooned: “Try to set the night on fire” – no! Non! Quite the opposite, Mr. Morrison, you shaggy haired git! Put your safety first.

Smoke Alarm Belt

The fire alarm belt isn’t, of course, to be confused with the smoke alarm belt, which we intend to release in time for Q1 2018. The fire alarm is for fires, the smoke alarm is for smoke. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, of course, so you may want to purchase a fire alarm belt and a smoke alarm belt to be on the safe side. You never can be too careful these days.

The smoke alarm belt picks up on any sort of smokey fumes, which includes cigarette smoke. As such, we’re going to market this contraption as a handy portable smoke alarm and a quit smoking product. The belt, upon detection of smoke, chirrups at a lovely 110 dBs to ensure you and smoke are beyond equidistance.

If you should then flee in panic and accidentally run into a burning inferno, the fire alarm belt would then also set off at 100 dB, so you’d have double the warning, and severe tinnitus, but you’d be safe and sound (ironic, really, seeing as you’ll be totally deaf by that point). Professional Moron – putting public safety first since 2012.


    • Agreed – an All Is Calm belt would be belting. Maybe it could play soothing music to keep everyone happy but inbuilt sensors would detect peril (such as impending war, bird droppings, a cup of tea too hot) and blast out a 150 dB foghorn warning. Mega!

      Liked by 1 person

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