Sometimes it can appear to respective genders the other gender is not all there. Take, for instance, the behaviour of actor Shia LaBeouf – is he mad? Probably. Is he endearing? We don’t know, we’ve never met him. Does he have a beard? At the moment, yes, and you can usually tell a man is insane if he has a massive beard with bits of baked beans lodged in there. Run for the hills, ladies! As for men, however… how do you tell if your babe is bonkers?

Insanity Test

Dear Professional Moron. I'm going to provide a list of reasons why I think my wife is insane and I want you to answer truthfully so that I can then determine if she is insane or not. If she is insane I'll stay married to her. If she's sane, I'll divorce the bitch (please don't ask why, it's to do with prenuptial agreements). Okay, here we go, here's the list coming up after I've completed typing this sentence and added the full stop at the end to mark the cessation of that particular part of my discourse.

- She cackles like a madwoman at odd times. The other day, for instance, I said to her "Don't I look handsome today, wife?" and she just started laughing. I had to tell her to shut up. Stupid cow. I can assure you I was looking handsome. I would marry me.
- Every Friday night she goes out with her friends and returns smelling funny and swaying all over the place. Sometimes she pukes and cannot speak properly and gets aggressive. I think this is an indication she is mentally unstable.
- She's taken up baking and she just keeps baking cakes. One a week. Like, really nice tasting cakes. They're really great. Where did that come from?! She said "I should open a cake shop!" and she did one of her cackles, like, "AHAHAHAHAHAH!" and it freaked me out.
- She's started doing "yoga" which involves sitting still not doing very much. I'm greatly confused by this. I asked her this: "Wife, why are you being so lazy?" - she didn't respond. I walked up to her and gave her a nudge and she simply said: "I am meditating". That explains it. If she's on medication, something is terribly, horribly wrong...
- She wears trousers. What gives with that?! Women are supposed to wear skirts or, when appropriate (i.e. music videos, on holiday, when gardening), hotpants. Men wear trousers. This is the way of things. Only a truly despotic maniac would go against such established trends.
- She drinks Coke Zero. I know. I mean... Jesus H Christ. Coke Zero?! Have you tried that stuff? It's like snorting a line of dust from your vacuum cleaner (which I've never done, I'm just making an analogy). This is truly demonic territory.
- She leaves the crust on her sandwiches. Bread crust, as we know, can lodge in your throat. Bread crust kills. Bread crust destroys lives. Bread crust is for ducks and geese only. What sick, twisted reality is this where people indulge in that stuff?
- She read 50 Shades of Grey and said it was "okay"! 
- She says she has a crush on Mr. Bean. Not the actor, the freak of nature character! If you're going to have a crush on someone, FFS, for a start it has to be me! Husband! HANDSOME HUSBAND!
- I got very suspicious about the above, so I've quizzed her casually, over the last month, about her involvement in the London Beer Flood of 1814. Just from leftfield being a bit "wacky" to connect with her, you know, to test her insane waters out. She said "I like beer". That proves she was there! What in the name of crap bags is going on?! Yours, Anonymous

Hello, anonymous! Now, we appreciate your concern but there is only one way to determine if someone is insane or not – you simply have to ask them whether they prefer brown or white bread. If they answer the latter, they are clearly beyond help and should be locked up in a loony bin. There’s nothing more to it than that. All the best, sir/madam!