Lonely Hearts Column 2018: Men Seeking Women

Love in 2018 - Men seeking women
Get your makeup ready, ladies! The hunks are here.

Here we go again, helping lonely hearts find other lonely hearts so that 2018 may be a year where no one is lonely and there are just loads of hearts everywhere. The definition of love is as follows: “A strong feeling of affection”. Well, okay, we have a strong feeling of affection for houmous, but it doesn’t mean we’re going to ask it out on a date! Stupid bloody dictionaries.

Anyway, you lucky ladies, here’s a selection of studs we’ve rounded up as the very best from the selection of oddballs and maniacs who wanted to appear on our site. If you’re interested in any of them, drop us a message and we’ll set you up on a hot date at McDonald’s!

Men Seeking Women

NB: For the purposes of coherence, the profile descriptions have been proofread and amended where required due to the atrocious diction and grammar on display from the selected men. May this stand as a warning, ladies – the below gentleman may not be as coherent as they initially appear.

Men Seeking Women

#1 – DirtyDerek – I’m Derek and I’m really dirty, so I hope you are, too! I’m pretty insistent on my woman being dirty. My boiler broke, you see, so I can’t shower or bathe and I’m not forking out £500 for a new one. So, being a gentleman, I’m only dating women as filthy as me until I can get it fixed.

#2 – BadmintonBrian – Hello. I run a badminton company which brings badminton equipment to otherwise busy professionals so that one and all can enjoy badminton, no matter the location or time of day. As I am regularly so busy with badminton, I need to use online dating to find my bitch. Are you interested? Must love badminton.

#3 – MagicMark – Hi, I’m Mark and I’m a stripper by profession. Unfortunately, most of the women I meet are cackling, hysterical maniacs and I just want to find someone who doesn’t scream “GET ‘EM OFFFFF!!!!!” the moment they see me. My hobbies include pumping iron, petting kittens, and squinting due to instances of irony.

#4 – RapturousRyan – I’ll be upfront. I’m insanely enthusiastic and it’s actually a medical condition I’m seeking CBT for. I expect to be cured before the year is out. In the meantime, women will have to put up with my rapturous mania as I see all as glorious. I also like cuddles, soup, and blowing shit up in Call of Duty games.

Men Seeking Men

#1 – RhymingRoger – Hi I’m Roger and I have a todger, it ain’t too big but then neither’s a twig, so have a swig cos I wear a wig, an’ being drunk you’ll see I’m still a hunk, but don’t get well drunk I ain’t no punk, I’ll also batter you if you start to spew, so keep it real with me and you’ll see my willy.

#2 – PerspiringPeter – Greetings! I am Peter, a successful barrister, owner of a lavatory shop, and all round self-proclaimed lovely guy. The catch? I’ve got chronic flatulence and a major perspiration problem. I sweat just by blinking. During the summer, I’m a lake. If you’re willing to put up with me, you’ll have all the lavatories you could ever want!

#3 – weakBladderBarry – I’m Barry and I’ve got a weak bladder. I have to use the toilet for a pee pee every 65 seconds, on average. If I try to hold it, it hurts. Consequently, I often need to urinate at inopportune moments. My most embarrassing moment was when I met Prince Philip and he said “How do you do?” and I said “I’m sorry sir, I just pissed myself.” That were bad. I’m looking for dates with men who don’t mind lots of urine.

#4 – PizzaDeliveryPete – Hello men, I’m Pete and I deliver pizzas. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta dough it! If you knead more cheese and bread in your life, I’ve been robbing my boss steadily for the last, like, 24 months and have acquired 3 metric tonnes of flour, cheese, and tomato puree. Want to bake love with me? Pete’s your pizza man!

Miscellaneous

#1 – CLINICALLY-INSANE-IAN – HI. I LIVE IN A PSYCHIATRIC WARD BECAUSE I AM CLINICALLY INSANE. DON’T LET THIS PUT YOU OFF BECAUSE I’M A FUN SUBHUMAN PUSTULE WHOM CONSIDERS WHOMSELF TO BE A MAN LOOKING FOR A SPECIES. MY HOBBIES INCLUDE GARGLING YOGHURT AND FORCING MY RIGHT ARM AROUND THE TOILET U-BEND. MY MATE MUST BE FLUENT IN MANDARIN AND MUST ALSO UNDERSTAND THE LANGUAGE I HAVE INVENTED, WHICH REQUIRES COMMUNICATION THROUGH LIMB LOSS, EXSANGUINATION, AND BUILDING A FORT OUT OF PILLOWS. HIT ME UP OR DIE HORRIBLY.

8 comments

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.