Lonely Hearts Column 2018: Women Seeking Men

Woman online dating
“He says he’s 6ft 2, he’s a lawyer, likes cuddles, strolls alone in order to find himself, plays the violin, donated a kidney to charity, and his favourite film is Sex and the City 2. I’ve just sent him £20,000 so he can move from America to Bolton!”

When you’re a woman, finding a man is like finding a needle in a needle factory. There are plenty of them, but most of them are too painful and annoying to be around. You need the broken needles, the defective ones, the men who mutated during their teenage years to transform from belligerent oddballs into huggable goofballs. Online dating is a good way to weed out the maniacs, though! Here are some ladies who want to find their Knight in Shining Armour.

Women Seeking Men

#1 – BubblyInRecovery – I’m a bubblyaholic in recovery. I had 45 first dates last year which all ended with the man roaring “JESUS CHRIST, STOP BEING BUBBLY!” and after the 45th one I knew I had a problem with my bubblyness. I’ve since had electroconvulsive shock therapy and have been fatigued ever since. If you want a woman with the energy of a rotting daffodil, I’m for you.

#2 – PrettyPolly – I’m Polly and I’m really pretty, but because of my name and looks I was teased as a kid about the whole pirates/parrot thing. So I’ve developed a PTSD where whenever someone says my name I start squawking “PRETTY POLLY!” like a parrot, which is pretty embarrassing. I need to find a male with a similar affliction (“PIECES OF EIGHT!” would do, for instance, or just general Tourette syndrome) so we can enjoy highly disruptive meals in restaurants together.

#3 – DickheadDeirdre – Heya. Back on this again. Still called Deirdre. Still a dickhead. If anyone asks where we met, tell them in prison, because I just spent eight months in there for punching an old woman (my mother, to be precise). Now I’m unapologetic about this. I’m a dickhead. Don’t want to date a dickhead? Don’t ask me out. I’m looking for a lawyer husband who can ensure I can worm my way out of the various despicable incidents I get myself into, because I’m not doing jail time again! You hear!? Dickhead Deirdre don’t mingle well with other dickheads. I need my space.

#4 – HoarderHenrietta – I am a hoarder. I hoard everything. It is all over my house. The only other thing in my house is rats. Lots of rats. They are everywhere. Like masses of arbitrary stuff? Like rats? Let us date.

#5 – PrincessPam – Where’s my Knight in Shining Armour!? All I ask for in a man, which they’ve all singularly failed to deliver thus far, is a tall, handsome, successful, paternal, sweet natured, manly, effeminate, macho, desirable, charming, funny, intelligent, and courageous male with the body of Adonis and the humility of Saint Francis of Assisi. All I demand is the very embodiment of perfection and I shan’t deviate from this quest until it is delivered to me! Are you my Prince Charming!? GET IN TOUCH WITH ME NOW, DAMMIT! I’M LOVELY!

Women Seeking Women

#1 – ItchyEsmerelda – Not sure I need a girlfriend, I just need someone to take a look at me because I can’t stop itching myself. Why am I so itchy?! I would go to a doctor, but you know what it’s like. So embarrassing! Will pay £50 to you to check my worst itching patches (scalp, armpits, and big toe on right foot).

#2 – PetulantPaige – You can read my profile, like… whatever. I don’t give a shit. If you want to date me… whatever. I don’t give a shit. We can go for a few drinks and a meal. I really don’t give a shit. If we get on, like, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Whatever.

#3 – MadMarge – I need many lesbians to join my army and sweep across the land slaying all before us! Death to the heathens! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!

#4 – SillyCyril – Hiya, I’m a down to earth and good fun lady who’s a bit silly lol roflmao. I just like a bit of a giggle! On a date I’d love to share a bottle of bubbly and we could have a fun chat and just click and then the rest will be magic and then we can get married and have a pet called Shakespeare and we’ll live happily ever, ever, ever after and adopt loads of babies and call them all great names like A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream and then they’ll be bullied at school but we can go into school and beat up the bullies and then have a giggle lol.

#5 – DementedDoreen – All I know is my husband lives on the Moon and orbits the Earth thrice daily looking for me. I’m building myself an intergalactic spaceship in order to commence battle with his kind (ex-husbands) in space. It’s like Star Wars but without Harrison Ford, although I did ask him to join my mission but he simply filed a restraining order. Grumpy SOB.


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