Exclusive Recipe: Cusstard (profanity-laden custard)

Custard. But with swearing.

Swearing is cool these days, but the shock value is gone, unless you use the c word (custard), but swearing is for cool people who know how to be cool.

Thusly, as we sat half naked staring at a cold bowl of custard (our clothes were drying in the tumble dryer, you see – it’s okay, we’re all Chippendales buff levels of hot) we figured… let’s make this profane!

Cusstard was born… and it cusses you bad! Juvenile it may well be, but when it comes to swearing, no one swears it up like cusstard! Now, naturally, food isn’t sentient (not even potatoes) and can’t actually, like, talk, so we’ve hired profane madman Gordon Ramsay to ram his way into proceedings and do his thing.


Right, as with the whole SatNav thing, this is CussNav – you attach the device onto your custard bowl and when the cusstard is dolloped into your bowl, Ramsay interjects with foulmouthed rants and witticisms. The stuff he says includes gems such as:

  • “****kin’ ell, mate! I wouldn’t cook that under my buttocks!”
  • “Jaysus! You can ***in’ well take a hike on eatin’ that, mate, it’s got maggots in it!”
  • “Nah, mate!”
  • And, “***in’ **** you **** and **** you ****!”

If you drop anything other than cusstard into the bowl, it self-destructs with the force of 12,000 atom bombs. Just be wary of that if you want to still be living by the end of this year. Indeed – it’s explosive stuff! If you love your custard, and your swearing, then you’ll be A okay. Otherwise, stick to spotted dick (that’s a British pudding, FYI).

The device will cost £500 and will ensure you don’t eat too much custard, which will keep you nice and slim. The verbal barrage you receive will also toughen you up mentally, so you can head out into society and put annoying vagabonds into their bloody places. Too right, mate!

Censorship Problems

Naturally, this being barely restrained outbursts of manic profanity, we’ve hit censorship problems whilst getting this product launched in England. As everyone is so posh here, it’s just not on.

The result is, due to the PC nanny state libtards, we’ve had to add in timely bleeps over Ramsay’s rampant, raucous rambling. Censoring custard… that’s political correctness gone mad! Whatever, we’ve installed the bleeps, but you can easily turn them off using the “Turn Bleeps Off” switch on the side of the CussNav. If you’re over 18, please feel free to do this.

In terms of getting this thing out across the rest of the world, we have a translation schedule in place with various talents in store to turn the air blue in your respective vicinity.

We’ve got Sigourney Weaver for the American and Canadian versions, Arnold Schwarzenegger for the French and Welsh ones, and Andy Serkis performing as Gollum for Russia. Other talent we’re auditioning includes Mariah Carey, Miley Cyrus, and John Malkovich.

We’ve hired a lawyer, Tom Hanks as we saw him in that film one time – he’s a really good lawyer in it, to help us overcome the legal hassles with various countries across the globe.

Ultimately, our goal is to bring custard and profanity to the masses in a manner in which couldn’t be dreamt of but 100 years ago. We think this is a noble endeavour and no one will stand in the way of our global conquest!


  1. Fab picture of cusstard in the opening! Pretty good idea all in all. (A bit pricey) It really opens up ones mind to all kinds of cuss-bred products. Is there no end to your genius?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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