How to Get Married (our official, unbeatable guide to marriage!)

A couple happily married
Caustic wedding guest: “Yeah… I’m sure I see telltale signs of male pattern balding! She’s married a bad ‘un.”

Getting married is a part of life (unless you don’t want to get married… but that’s just weird!!). It involves a huge ceremony, lots of friends, lots of mindless chatter, and lots of people discussing whether the food is better than the last wedding they were at. In the midst of all this, two people unite in matrimony, grope each other in front of everyone, and then throw a bouquet of flowers (if you’re really lucky, someone will run and try to catch the flowers, slip, and impale themselves on a batch of toothpicks).

As you can see, marriage is much more complicated than you might expect. It takes planning, commitment, wealth, and sending out loads of invitations in the hope no one goes, “Nah, I can’t be bothered with that.” Then, the day after your wedding, a load of people have to clear up the leftover pastry dishes and puke left behind by drunken uncles. It’s a most complex thing, marriage! Here’s how you can streamline the process.

Finding Your Bird/Man Bloke

The principal tenet of marriage is falling in love with either a man or woman, or woman or man. To accomplish this, find someone you consider “dead fit” and then pretend their glaring personality foibles aren’t overbearing. Congratulations! You’re ready to engage in marriage.

Wedding Ring

Regardless of how poor you are, max out several credit cards on a £10,000 wedding ring. The bird (“fiancée”, or whatever) will swoon and agree to marry the male merely due to this display of fiscal prominence.

Plan Your Wedding

It’s illegal to spend less than £50,000 on a wedding ceremony (on pain of death, in some countries like England). Wedding ceremonies must also be carried out in a church. If they’re carried out somewhere outside of a church, then there must be a church within at least 10 miles of the location, otherwise the impending newlyweds will burn in Hell for all eternity.

Choosing your location is important, but we can recommend destinations such as McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, or all three in one visit if they’re near to each other. Nothing says “classy” like a wedding ceremony amidst the stench of French Fries and the mindless chatter of male chavs discussing acne problems and “dead fit birds”.

Choosing Your Best Man et al.

The male will need to pick several men to dote over the ceremony and ensure he doesn’t forget the wedding ring. Forgetting this is akin to accidentally blowing up your home. Thusly, choose the following with the utmost care and attention to ensure a perfect wedding day.

the Best Man

The best man must be chosen based on looks, wealth, stature, and penis size. Short fat ugly men are not allowed to be the best man. Balding men are utterly forbidden, unless it’s Bruce Willis, Billy Zane, or Jason Statham.

If you are a balding man and not one of those three, you are not best man material. If you’re someone like Brad Pitt, Robert De Niro, or Burt Bacharach, you’re in serious luck!

the Mediocre Man

Assists the best man by being mediocre. Your standout mediocre man holds down a steady but boring job, is balding (not in the Billy Zane way), a bit podgy, of average looks (say, a 6/10), and probably has a tapeworm in his gut of at least 10 feet in length (again, the latter is a legal requirement in some countries).

The mediocre man’s main job is to make sure the best man doesn’t forget to crack at least one inappropriate joke during the best man speech. However, the mediocre man isn’t allowed a speech. He’s too mediocre for that.

the Worst Man

Dragged along to the event to make up numbers, the worst man will likely get drunk and either defecate or vomit on the dance-floor, grope various attractive wedding guests, and could potentially set his trousers on fire and suffer third-degree burns.

He truly is the worst man! However, his attendance is a legal requirement in many countries, to ensure a wedding can’t be “perfect” (an essential legal disclaimer to ensure brides don’t sue due to a lack of perfection).

Hen Night/Stag Do

Prior to a wedding, the husband-to-be and wife-to-be must embrace getting “shit faced” on a night on the town, even though they’re perfectly able to do so at a future date post-marriage. However, tradition is essential in the world of weddings.

Thusly, it’s imperative the male fouls his pants in a state of paralytic drunkenness to confirm in his mind he’s past his best and needs to settle down. Again, this is a legal requirement in some countries, such as England and Barbados.

Photography/Filming/Commemorative Placards

Ensure the entire day is recorded for posterity. Hire a professional film crew. If Steven Spielberg isn’t available, get Steven Soderbergh instead (he’s balding, so could also double up as the mediocre man).

If there are no available directors called Steven, then ask Michael Bay, or use whichever friend has the worst social media addiction.

Wedding Day

Once the big day arrives, ensure you lay off the curry on the prior night and watch Bridesmaids to remind yourself of what could occur. With the above planning in place, you’ll enjoy the “perfect” day and will have a huge swathe of material to spread about online as propaganda.

Rest assured, whilst wedding guests are happy you’re happy and happily married, they won’t at all be impressed by the low-quality level of your quiche selection. Thusly, ensure there are good quiches available – quiche is the secret key to a successful wedding.


Life after marriage is called “married life” and consists of blitzing arguments and insisting the first newborn be called Jeffrey and not Geoffrey (thankfully, we’re on hand to help you there – check out How to Name Your Baby).

Other than that, so long as you perfect how to bake a Yorkshire pudding, and ensure you don’t clog the toilet (we’re looking at you, men!), it should all go rather swimmingly. Best of luck!


  1. Well, all great advice, but I insist on a part 2 that deals with the Maid of Honor, Bridesmaids and Flower Girl.(s).
    AND,,, you’ve not mentioned the GOWN. What about “big hair” for the females in the wedding party? I mean if the men are bald and balding, shouldn’t the women have glorious manes?

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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