Sometimes it’s important to discern between kids and pets. Kids are small adults who eat ice cream and frolic with wild abandon. Pets are small animals (unless you own a Great Dane) who eat pet food and frolic with wild abandon. For a young family, the decision between the two can be so crushingly difficult to decide upon it can induce bouts of “lads’ nights out”. Check it out.

Kids or Pets?

Hello. Recently, I've faced a conundrum in the form of my girlfriend putting me on the spot. I'd had a few too many out with the lads and I was lying in a pool of vomit on the bathroom floor, and she looked down at me with contempt and leered, "Look at you, Charles. 35 and can't hold a couple of pints. You need to settle down. I tell you what, we'll either have kids or pets. You decide." I responded with, "Look, Lindsay, I jus... *BLLLlOOOARRrrrrgHHHHhhhh*!" and threw up again then passed out. The next day I pretended to not remember the conversation, but she brought it up again soon enough. What do I do? Cheers, Charles

Greetings, Charles! First of all, take a look at your living situation and decide if kids or a pet (for instance, a Great Dane) would be better suited to your environment. If you live in a flat, your dreams of a Great Dane may well have been quashed. “WHAT?! But it’s my dream!” – well, as you can see from the picture below, Great Danes are larger than a medium sized mountain.

This may be unsuitable for you, unless you live in the world’s largest mansion. Otherwise, as the Great Dane becomes overexcited for its morning walkies, it will likely inadvertently demolish large sections of your property. This may result in large bills and, potentially, even eviction. Unless you want to be homeless, this is not advisable.

Kids are kind of like pets, but they expect things like a PlayStation, iPhone, the right to date dodgy Dave from High School, plus your spare cash to go out and get drunk (once they hit “18”). Notably, your average pet (unless it’s a monkey) won’t want to do any of those things. It’ll largely be content with scratching itself and being manically overenthusiastic about everything. What is a couple to do?

Test the Waters

Based on the above learned advice, right now we’re advocating you “test the waters” before “you” consider “having” children. What do we mean? Well, get a pet. This will help you find out if the pair of you can stand being around each other whilst arguing about who has to feed Fido.

If this results in you having a regular punch-up, it’s time to rethink having children. Indeed, in this situation you need to think about overcoming your issues to provide Fido with the optimum living situation. Fido, incidentally, is not a dog. No. Fido is your test “pet” to help you recognise your parenting credentials.

Simply put, Charles, at 35 you now have to decide whether you want to spend your evenings lounging in a pool of puke in your bathroom, or getting some responsibility in your life. This is known as “maturity”, whilst what you are indulging in is known as “immaturity”.

Consequently, we recommend you get a tamagotchi. If administering to this digital being is too much for you, then it’s a prime indication you are a feral cad who is incapable of parenthood. However, if you succeed then you can make the step up to a fish, and then gradually work you’re way up over the next 20/30 years to being mature enough to “have” a child when you’re in your 50s/60s. It’s the right thing to do (probably).