You know what sofas are. We know what sofas are. Alien invaders know what sofas are. Sofas know what sofas are. But there are lingering questions about the sofa that many folks daren’t ask. Until today! We’re breaking through and revealing the scaly, terrifying truth lurking behind that plush thing you park your backside on.
How are you?
How are you?
Yeah, okay. We guess.
Yes! Ask us something about sofas, please.
Oh, that’s what this is about?! I thought we were on a date.
What?! What made you think that?
Oh, I dunno… So, this isn’t a date?
No. It’s an FAQs session regarding sofas.
So you’re not going to buy me dinner?
No, we are not. Ask us something about sofas!
Okay… why are sofas shaped like that?
Well, they have to accommodate the shape of a human. Sofas aren’t designed for giraffes. Humans are usually around 6ft or under and have a, sort of, rectangle shape. As such, a sofa is salubrious for those physical requirements.
Uh huh. You know, I’d been looking forward to that free meal all day.
Will you shut up about that?! This isn’t a date!
Yeah, but, you said: “Be here at 3pm to ask us some questions. Please don’t arrive covered in excrement, otherwise you’ll have to clean that off our sofa after you’ve sat on it.” If that doesn’t say “free dinner”, what DOES?
Well, for a start, it’s 4pm… so you’re an hour late to what you thought was a date. Also, you are covered in excrement. From head to toe. What have you been doing?!
I was recreating that scene in Trainspotting. I got a bit carried away. still, though, you look nice.
Sorry I’ve got crap all over your sofa.
It’s okay, it’s stolen anyway.
Oh, where from? I quite like stealing things, too.
Yeah, we saw it in our neighbour’s front room so just smashed our way in with chainsaws when they were out. You should have seen the looks on the couple’s faces when they got back! We were all there, leering out of our office window, chainsaws revving, hurling verbal abuse and bricks at them.
Wow. When was this?
Oh, right. So the police will be arriving…?
Well, any minute now we should imagine. So ask us some more questions about sofas before we’re arrested.
Okay. Have you ever had a date on a sofa?
How would that work?
You know, you cook on the sofa using a mobile hob. Then you dish the cooked food onto the sofa. then, like barbarians, you stuff the food into your face with your hands.
And you’ve tried this type of date before?
Many times, yes. It’s so romantic!
How? How is that romantic?
As you and your date are joined in a moment of embarrassment.
Why’s that romantic?
Because it is.
In your head, maybe, but we really can’t see that working with any woman. Maybe a man… but definitely not a woman.
That’s a very sexist thing to say.
What?! Look, just ask us something about sofas! This is turning into an insight on relationships. How annoyed are readers going to be? They’ve come here to find out the horrible truth about sofas, and we’re here discussing bizarre dating techniques.
What’s the horrible truth about sofas?
Ah, that’s more like it!
Go on. What’s the horrible truth?
We can’t tell you that. It’s a trade secret.
Jesus, what an anti-climax! I’m not even sure I want to go on a date with you after all that.
Well, good! We’re delighted we’ve put you off.
How insensitive! You know what? You can take your sofa, and you can stuff it up your arse!
[storms out of the office]
Thank you for your participation in today’s highly educational, revealing, and informative FAQs session.
[CRASHING AND BANGING SOUND FROM THE DOORWAY – POLICE OFFICERS AND A SWAT TEAM CRASH INTO THE OFFICE]
COPPER carrying machine gun: “GET ON THE ****ING FLOOR!! YOU’re under arrest!!”
NB: Dear readers, please note the Professional Moron office is currently under lockdown as police search the property for weapons, drugs, and communist propaganda. We will resume service once we’re all out of jail.