Breaking News: British Train Fares Go UP and Poor People Go MENTAL!

Commuting man on a train with no hair
That potato… sorry, bald man knows the truth.

Train fares in the UK will rise once again come January 2019, shooting up 3.1%! This fantastic news means beleaguered commuters, already devastated from a decade of austerity and wage stagnation (oh, and a housing crisis), can fork out extra cash to enjoy crush level conditions on unreliable services. Huzzah!

Fair Fares?

To celebrate the news, today loony lefty tabloid The Guardian spoke to various mindless workers about their daily travels. NHS worker Peter Coasdale, 54, had this to mumble (drunkenly, between bouts of dribbling and consuming a moudly pie):

“I think my season ticket is good value considering how often I use the service and how far I travel each week. However, as an NHS worker I have had barely any pay rise in the last eight years and the cost of this ticket has increased way beyond any pay rise I may have received.”

His annual season ticket is £4,092. Editor’s note to Mr. Coasdale – fear not! The good news is, come Brexit in March 2019, the economy is set to get even worse. This means you might well get fired, so you won’t have to pay for your commuting fare anymore. Hurrah!

Getting About

British public transport is famous for its capricious nature. But Professional Moron’s opinion is this – you’ve not lived until you’ve experienced standing in the rain wondering when your tram is going to turn up. Take Mr. Wapojif’s anecdote:

"It's been 20 minutes and you haven't heard a thing. And the electronic timing signs don't work, so... better just stiff upper lip it and wait for the thing to arrive.

But wait! It's 30 minutes in and you're told over the intercom the whole service is down. There's a bus replacement, though! Yes! But you're not told where to go for that. Dejected, you try and work out how you're supposed to get to work. You wander aimlessly.

Then you stumble on the bus replacement location by accident! Wait another 30 minutes, but no buses turn up. So you walk four miles to work and arrive three hours late and apologise profusely, work late to make up the time, then go to get the tram home... but the service is still broken. So you walk home again! Repeat two-three times a week. Welcome to England!"

Stuff like that is part of the nation’s quirky character! However, it’s confusing for non-Brits who have the temerity to expect stuff to turn up on time. What must they make of it all here?

We spoke with Blorb, a two-headed electronic alien sphere monster from the planet Blorbton. It emigrated to Manchester in 2012 to become a Hollywood movie star. It currently works as a dustbin blorb. It told us:

"My train costs me £350 a month and is never on time. It is always really crowded. So I have to elevate spontaneously within the train carriage, ensuring my fellow commuters do not suffocate on my malodorous spores. But my discombobulation unit has confirmed the UK public transport system is flawed. Some of my fellow commuters turn to me (the ones that do not scream in unbridled terror at my unsightly visage, that is) and ask: 'Oi, mate! Can't you use yurr ***in' alien genius or whatever to fix the ****in' system?! EH!?'

Well, on my home planet of Blorbton, we utilise a system of radioactive pulleys that catapult fellow Blorbs to their destination. I am told this system would not work here, as human commuters would disintegrate upon hitting the ground at 100,000 mph. The only other options are walking or riding a bicycle. I raise this point with my fellow commuters, but they call me 'a ****in' ****!'"

Blorb currently rents a two bedroom flat in Bolton that costs £700 a month. His two offspring, Blorb Jnr #1 and Blorb Jnr #2, attend high school and want to “grow up to be movie stars”.

Blorbette (its wife), Blorb revealed, has run off with a truck driver called Dave. “Blorbette said it was attracted to the human male’s nostril hair. That is a highly attractive physical trait amongst the Blorb clan.” Professional Moron does not wish to comment on this matter any further.

Sensible Solutions

With British public transport a national joke, an increasing number of citizens are turning to the packed out roads to add to the traffic and pollution infrastructure issues that also plague the nation like a goddamn nasty rash.

But the Helicopter Travel To Work Act 2018 is set for introduction shortly to change all of that. This will enforce mandatory helicopter travel – each business across the UK will receive a dozen helicopters, with the respective businesses free to disseminate them amongst employees accordingly (d’accord on that). 

Many workers already embrace this news. We spoke to Kev, a burger flipper at a McDonald’s in Salford, who said:

"It's dead good news, yeah! [Noisily hacks up phlegm and gobs on the floor] Am stoked. Am gonna fly me chopper into work each day it's ****in' beltin', mate. [Lets rip inappropriately]"

Manchester Oxfam charity shop volunteer Deirdre Streisand, 88, also has praise for the Act:

"I work every Saturday, me, and it were reet bad not bein' able to get buzz t'work without bein' three hours late every f' t' week. Now I 'ave me own helicopter, me! So I'll do me shift, me, then get in t'elicopter, take off, try not to crash into t'Hilton 'otel reet off Deansgate, stop off at Curry Mile f' t' korma, then I'll be back in front of f' t' telly, me, reet in time for Emmerdale. It don't get no better than that."

However, some critics have criticised the Act. An anonymous source from parliament told us:

"It creates a culture of envy. Why, for example, does Steve from accounts get a helicopter, when Gertrude from marketing has to spend three hours a day on a bus? What arbitrary decision making decides upon the decisive decision of whom obtains a helicopter? 

Then there's the health and safety issue. The moment Steve plunges from the skies in a hellish fireball and demolishes a popular landmark, you've got to pay repairs. That includes asking grieving family members to chip in a bit. Businesses won't like that. Families won't like that. Blood splattered corpses won't like that."

The Act enters parliament on Monday. It will also consider the potential for commutes by hovercraft, go-kart, parachute, paragliding, and teleportation.


  1. Good grief! I thought here was annoying, but you guys have it best. How come the Blorb family didn’t emigrate to Hollywood? Blorbette would have found a better hairy nostril there, and I’m sure at least one of the kids would have broken into the biz by now, especially if they’re doing a remake of the series “Alf”. And hey, what about kids’ programming? There’s lots of blorbortunities there.


    • Blorb got confused with the similiarities of Manchester and Hollywood. I think its species doesn’t have the best eyesight.

      Many can’t look directly at it, unfortunately, without weeping in terror. So kids TV may not quite work out.


  2. British Rail sounds exactly like New Zealand rail, only better. A few years ago, friends came out to visit from the UK and decided to take the train from Auckland to Wellington for sight-seeing. Among other adventures on the way, the locomotive caught on fire. But wait, there’s more. Wellington commuter rail was operating 70 year old English Electric units (I am not kidding about the age) and Ganz Mavag sets (obtained from the Eastern Bloc in a butter-for-incompatible-with-anything-trains deal in 1980) with overhead catenary held up on wooden posts that were new in 1950.

    About 10 years ago about $150 million was spent to upgrade the whole system. This involved buying new electric units from South Korea. Fine and dandy, but they drew twice the current of the English Electrics and there was a dispute about that. The engineers said the system needed an extra 40 sub-stations to juice up the line. The accountants said it didn’t. The practical result was that only 2/3 length sets could be run. Then it turned out the track turned too tightly for the new units to handle, resulting in metallic screeching noises from the bogies. Unfortunately the upgrade didn’t include replacing all the catenary supports, with the result that one night a support collapsed on one of the new electric multiple units, at a station, trapping the passengers inside. Another got run off the end of a track. And they didn’t buy enough units – every time one goes in for maintenance, the trains get even shorter.

    Er…. I could go on, but you get the picture. It’s OK, though, another $150 million was voted to upgrade the system just a few months ago… sigh…

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s… yes, not good. We could do a Monty Python Four Yorkshiremen type train system rivalry here now, if you want? Although I did have a look at NZ’s Expression of Interest emigration thing, so I don’t want anyone putting me off. I intend to move out there and live with Gandalf. I’m sure he can fix your train system, too. If he can’t, then no one can!


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