Agony Aunt: “Scientific postulations on the basis of all men being bastards”

Men with slightly off looking heads
Some (two) men.

There’s the old saying, “All men are bastards!” It’s a sweeping generalisation, really. Kind of like saying, “All students are called Stu and like dents.” It’s just not right. Except today we have a human female who wishes to prove men are, indeed, a bit bad. Here we go.

All + Men

I am a precocious physics genius of but 18 years of age. I have formulated a postulation on the maxim, "All men are bastards".

This scientific theory is based on proofs and an airtight equation. Behold:
All Men Are Bastards Theory

12 x 2 ÷ Dickheads + All Men - Are = Total Bastardy

I have forwarded my various equations to the Quarterly Review of Biophysics and await adulation. I would also appreciate your learned feedback, whilst simultaneously gloating inwardly due to my obvious superiority over your feeble male intellects. 

Felicity Pippa Pippington II

Of course, we don’t agree with such mindless conjecture. Who does this jumped up little jerk think she is?!

To prove her irrationality, we compiled the below list of why men are the best and what human males have done over the centuries.

  • Mankind: Without this, there wouldn’t be any womankind. Mankind made man, therefore enabling men to be kind, which allowed for the gentleman, which in turn facilitated the arrival of the human female.
  • Sandwiches: Invented by men, for men, and stolen by women for other women! Is that not the move of pure evil?
  • War: Whilst some argue whether this is a good thing or not, war has provided people with steady jobs and limb loss over the millennia. We don’t see women conjuring up better opportunities for mass employment!
  • Colonic irrigation: Very popular with Princess Diana – a human female.
  • Spain: Men found it, inhabited it, and now you (probably) go on holiday there. All thanks to us!

We felt very proud of our arguments there, but Mz. Pippington II was soon back in touch with a most sanctimonious attitude problem.

Those are not sound arguments. I refer you to my All Men Are Bastards Theory to alleviate your vapid state of mind. Additionally, I postulate the below formula for why men stink so bad and are stupid:

The Malodorous Male Vacuity Theory

x - xo + Body Odour ÷ vot + 1/2at2 | (Vƒ)2 + Stupid Woopid ÷ (Vo)2 + 2ax = Shit For Brains

As you can see, this clearly indicates men do, unfortunately, have excremental brain matter complications. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Perhaps contemplate a sex change.  

Felicity Pippa Pippington II

After this, we got a bit bad tempered and fired back the below response – verbatim:

Dear Felicity Pippa Pippington II,

Shut your face! Now, behold our formula for why you’re a bloody fuddy duddy with a stupid name and an even more stupid brain. 

The Felicity Pippa Pippington II Poohead FACT

f0 = Felicity Pippa Pippington II – fs (V ± V0 )/( V ± Vs ) + Poohead ÷ Irritating + Silly Billy – Git + Pillock  ÷ Arrogant Swot = Meanie

Best regards,

Professional Moron

And after this, she got back in touch yet again. The arrogance! Even in the face of the total annihilation of her argument after our above rebuttal.

This is what she wrote, through her abject impudence:

You appear to have taken the equation for the Doppler effect (whereby there is an increase/decrease in sound/light frequency as the source and observer ambulates toward one another) and added in several puerile insults for the aforementioned juvenile purposes. 

If you really expect me to lower myself to such a standard, then behold my latest equational postulation.

Professional Moron is Stupid Theory

2 + 2 = Up yours, losers!

Talk to the hand. 

Felicity Pippa Pippington II

Of course, this sent us into total outrage. After several minutes of sitting about huffing and puffing in fury, we got our chainsaws out revving and rushed into Manchester to seek revenge on a science museum.

We eventually found one on Oxford Road and trashed the place. There’ll be no more equations taking place there, we can assure you!

Unfortunately, there are also some pending legal issues we have to deal with due to our “psychotic, inexplicable rampage” – this has ensured our conversation with that woman has reached a standstill.

Consider this one a draw, Mz. Pippington!


  1. I think you did the right thing. How dare Pippy point out the many disasters ( actually most) that has befallen man/womankind at the hands of the male gender. No one wants to talk about that! Imagine a matriarch driven world of peace and love. No, the ideas unspeakable

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That saying makes no sense. There’s at least one man out there whose parents conceived him in wedlock; therefore, the postulation is over before it started. Whoever came up with that saying needs to do their research!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I guess I’m just not educated enough to understand this post full of postulations and math. I’m still concerned at why 1+1=2… and not 11. 2+2 should therefore = 22….3+3 = 33.
    According to my math, your All Men Are Bastards Theory adds up to 1212.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 1+1 doesn’t equal 2, it equals 4.

      “According to my math, your All Men Are Bastards Theory adds up to 1212.” We’ve sent your postulation on to the Journal of Applied Physics and will let you know what they reckon. Seems legit to me.


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