Chopsticks VS Chapsticks: Which is the Best Eating Implement?

Chopsticks with a traditional Japanese drawing
That guy clearly needs a chapstick.

Having recently had a close look at chopsticks (so much so we jabbed ourselves in the eye with one of the things), we decided to also take a close look at the greatest rival chopsticks have ever had: chapsticks. Which is the best eating implement? Round one. FIGHT!

Chapsticks?!

For those of you who are a bit dumb, a chapstick is a lip balm holder. You use this thing to rub on your mouth tyres (a synonym for lips we just invented) to ensure they don’t become chapped.

As we all know, if you succumb to chapping then it’s a slow and steady slide towards your whole body becoming one giant great big massive chap. And who the Hell wants that?

Chopsticks VS Chapsticks

Okay, but what about when it comes to eating something? Say you have a bowl of buckwheat organic noodles right on the table. What are you going to use to eat it? Logic dictates one of the following options:

  • Chopsticks.
  • Fork.
  • Spoon.
  • Your grubby, unwashed, repulsive hands.
  • Jamming your head into the bowl and munching and slurping for all it’s worth.

Note we didn’t mention chapsticks. This is a shame as we believe they’re an excellent option to rival the chopstick.

As such, after we finish typing this paragraph we’re off to perform an eating test between the chopstick (at least two of them) and chapsticks (also more than one).

Eating Test

Now that we’re back we can report that chopsticks are almost certainly better than chapsticks as a food eating aid.

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif (the main champion of using chapsticks – the rest of us remain agnostic on the matter) went up against our office apprentice.

Mr. Wapojif had chapsticks – use them in the same way as chopsticks, except try not to squish the lip balm up too much. Otherwise they’re rendered almost useless.

Meanwhile our battered and bruised apprentice was with chopsticks. This is how it went:

  • Mr. Wapojif: Took on a plate of houmous, sweetcorn, buckwheat noodles, and a bowl of our patented banana and Coca-Cola soup. Armed with chapsticks, his heroic expression of profundity soon gave way to manic frustration and furious anger. This manifested into another one of his psychotic outbursts, ending with him thrashing his bazooka across the head of our apprentice. Unfortunately, this also set the weapon off and it fired out of an open window – in the distance, we saw an off duty ice cream van blow up spectacularly. Oh well, just as well it’s winter.
  • Office Apprentice: Already malnourished due to the disastrous “wage” we hand him, he was ravenously eating his beans on toast right up until our editor assaulted him. The apprentice is now lying on the floor and is possibly dead.

Alternative Eating Aids

If we’ve now put you off the idea of eating with chapsticks, then we apologise. But fear not! You can consider various other options to chopsticks and forks. Mix and match – whatever you like. Take your pick from the list below and enjoy your soup like never before!

  • Bricks.
  • Sticks.
  • Broomsticks.
  • Bazookas.
  • Telekinetic communication.
  • Shoes (equipped with an excellent scoop!).
  • Scissors.
  • Feet.
  • Belly button.
  • Sledgehammer.
  • Chainsaw.

We like the latter best as there’s something exhilarating about eating, say, some soup with a chainsaw. Trying not to shred your face from your body whilst aiming tomato soup down your gullet is a fantastic experience everyone should give a go at least once.

Or, you know, just get good with chopsticks you heathens.

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