Exclusive Invention: Chopping Board Games

Chess pieces
Chopping time!

You like your chopping board? Good for chopping up carrots, right? But what about board games – we bet you love a bit of Monopoly, yes? Now, imagine what the world would be like if you could combine your chopping board with your board games! Perfection? Yes!

And that’s exactly what we’ve done. We’ve found perfection. Now you can be in your kitchen cooking up a stew and you can continue indulging in your game of Monopoly. Does it get any better than that? Of course not!

Chopping Board Games

Okay, so how does this work? Well! You get your favourite board game into the kitchen, your get your family into the kitchen, you get your kitchen into the kitchen, and you prepare your dinner (in the kitchen).

Do note – this activity is not suitable for bathrooms. Do not make food preparation as you attempt to shower or suffer a bout of dysentery. Your family will not appreciate this.

But if you’re well, then you’re sorted to get Monopoly on the go and dice and slice carrots, broccoli, and tofu around Marylebone Station. Old Kent Road?! Old CABBAGE Road, more like!

Anyway, it’s simple enough. Play your favourite board games and, whilst doing so, play havoc with them fingers. Here are some jolly outcomes you can endure in your escapist adventures:

  • Let little Timmy go for Vine Street if he wants, but you’ve just got to chop that onion and… oh dear! Little Timmy just lost several fingers.
  • What’s that? Hubby threw a six and is beating you at Snakes & Ladders? Crap! Oh, what a shame, he just got in the way as your butcher’s knife plunged onto his forearm, severing it and forcing him to bleed out in front of the whole family. Such is life!
  • Clueless in Cluedo? Well, with some “accidental” butchery of your family’s extremities you’re all set to emerge victorious whether you know whodunnit or not.
  • Buggered up your changes on Buckaroo? Well, too bad for your husband as he goes for the win, but your whisk jams into his face and just… won’t… stop… whisking!
  • Need to get risky in Risk? All may seem lost, until you chop some raw onions and now your opponent is blinded by tears! Move in for the kill. Bwahhahahahaha!
  • Slice your way to victory on Scrabble as chopping a variety of odd vegetables – quinoa, okra, karela, jicama, and loofah – inspires your path to success.


Do note, whilst you bask in the glory of victory your opponents may well be lurching about on the floor roaring in total agony. There may also be blood spurting in various arbitrary directions.

As the deserving victor, don’t overly concern yourself with this state of affairs. However, you may need to call for an ambulance as an act of goodwill. Nobody likes a gloating victor.

However, still feel free to blast Queen’s We Are The Champions at maximum volume in the interim between ringing for the ambulance and it arriving. It’ll help you enjoy your success more, whilst also drowning out the groans of agony from the inferior losers.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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