British parliament today ruled that mayonnaise is to be renamed mayonaise from 1st September 2019.
This is under the direct edict of the Mayonnaise Spelled (Or “Spelt”, If You Will) As Mayonaise To Limit Confusion Act 2019.
The move comes following decades of anti-mayonnaise protests from We Hate Mayonnaise With The Extra N (WHWTEN) activists.
Several mayonnaise manufacturers responded angrily to the Act, although others say it will save them £300,000 per annum due to one less letter to print on their packaging.
The condiment first reared its eggy head circa 1800 in Paris, where a traveller came across a recipe: poulets en mayonnaise.
Centuries later and the British have very much stolen it and made it our own. So much so, your average Brit wouldn’t be aware the word is of French origin. C’est la vie.
But not everyone was happy with the traditional spelling. For decades activists in the North West of England have campaigned to remove the extra “n” from the foodstuff.
WHWTEN was established by Gary Bench in 1974. Now, the 93-year-old has seen his dreams come to fruition. It was an emotional day for Mr. Bench who, with tears in his eyes, told the gathered media at a press conference in Bolton of Greater Manchester:
"For 93 year I've been tryin' to spell that word. I don't even bloody like mayonnaise and never eat it. But whenever I try and bloody spell it I always get it wrong, me. I failed me bloody 11-plus because of that bloody food and spent me bloody life stacking bloody shelves in a bloody shop! Day after bloody day having to stack that bloody stuff on a shelf. Me enemy staring back at me day after bloody day! But now, after 93 year I got me revenge. And all you bloody journalists reporting this... you're gonna spell it as 'mayonaise' with one less n or I'll press charges!*"
At the end of his speech, Mr. Bench burst into tears and was led back to his mobility scooter.
Reports later confirmed he went on a drunken joyride through Bolton and was arrested for disorderly conduct.
* Legally, we’re not obliged to alter the spelling until Q4 of 2019.
The condiment’s super fans have reacted violently about the Act. Once announced on 22nd April, hundreds took to the streets of their general locality to smash the place up a bit.
We were on the scene to speak to a random hooligan. We came across Mr. Mayonnaise, who changed his name by deed poll in 2004 due to his love of the product.
Whilst busy smashing a parked car’s windscreen with his bare fists, he told us:
"It's a bloody outrage! I don't bloody understand how these bloody snowflakes can't bloody spell a bloody word that's so bloody easy to bloody spell! It's just a bloody extra n, for bloody Hell's sake!"
He was arrested shortly afterward in the Tory government’s crackdown on rampaging mayo fans.
In a final and tragic turn of events, the Tories also confirmed anyone called Mayonnaise as their forename or surname must update, via deed poll, their denomination to Mayonaise.
To add insult to injury, they’ll also have to fork out the £15 fee.